Find the Good

I have always tried to find the good in things, give people the benefit of the doubt, find the beauty in an otherwise ugly situation.  I guess when everything in your life doesn't go as perfectly as your Pinterest board, you have no choice.  Or do you??  I know of people who don't have a perfect life but they have a pretty good life and yet take every opportunity to hold pity parties for one.  You know them too; glass half empty people.  Some of these people don't even have a glass they have such "poor me" mentalities.

My Dad died when I was young.  It took me a long time to find the good in this particular situation, don't get me wrong.  But many years later, I realized my memories of him are intact.  He didn't battle a disease for years before he passed.  I didn't watch him waste away.  I remember the way he looked and the conversation we had in the middle of the night, hours before he died.

My first marriage failed.  Now all of the good things that happened to me as a result of my first marriage failing are their own blog post.  Let's just say I am where I am today because my first marriage failed.  And where I am is pretty cool.

Lymphoma was not on my bucket list.  But, I learned a lot about myself while I battled lymphoma.  I learned how strong I am.  I learned who my friends are.  I knew how amazing my husband was but that fact was reinforced daily.  I learned that I look OK bald; gonna stick to a full head of hair for now though.  I can rock a beanie, a ball cap, and a fedora.  My makeup skills improved.  I truly learned how small acts of kindness can light up the world for people.  I learned to be present.  I learned to enjoy each and every moment.  I learned to push out the darkness and seek the light.  Most importantly, I won the battle.

In the craziness that is the world today, I try to find the quiet, the calm, the beauty of a sunrise or a sunset...the smoothness of an ice cold glass of Tito’s...the sweetness of a handful of M&Ms..

Find your good.

The Perils of the Common Cold

So I have been kicking around this cold since mid September.  I wish it was just a cold.  That's actually a twofold statement because this cold has turned into a raging sinus infection.  I think finally after 4 days on antibiotics, I am FINALLY getting the upper hand.

There is a certain amount of angst that accompanies every single cold I get since getting lymphoma.  It starts with a sore throat.  Every cold since I was a child has started with a sore throat.  Sore throats suck.  But now my irrational brain often thinks a random sore throat is throat cancer, tonsil cancer (is that even a thing?), neck cancer.  Wouldn't it just be easier to take a lozenge and move on?  Of course it would.

Look at that, the sore throat eases into sinus pain and pressure...oh yeah and a cough.  It's not a cold, it's a brain tumor, tumors in my sinuses.  Didn't someone's cousin's mother in law leave a cough untreated for months only to find out she had stage 4 lung cancer???  Maybe some cold medicine...but of course, I am limited because of the HBP brought on by the lymphoma diagnosis.

WHY hasn't someone invented something that you can take with water, or a shot or an inhaler that kills a virus???  I am sure there is a logical medical explanation but man, a cure for the common cold would be worth its weight in gold.

A couple of days in...my head is disconnected from my body from the different medications and home remedies I have tried to make myself comfortable.  Now I start stressing about the wrong combination causing cancer...or some other serious malady.  So I resort to trying to drown myself with my neti pot.

This time around, I couldn’t kick it on my own.

Getting back to normal...at least on the cold/sinus infection front.  I think the irrational mind is here to stay.

With All Due Respect...

"He knew what he signed up for."  --45; October 2017

So we're 10 months into this debacle; just when you think the leader of the free world (and it pains me to say that) cannot do any worse, he hits it straight out of the ballpark.  I cannot even let it upset me anymore or get me stressed out because I would have had a fatal heart attack 3 months ago.

So to those who voted for him, with all due respect...what were you thinking?  Don't give me the half baked "But Hillary...", "But her emails...", "We needed a change...", "The news industry is against him..."  I don't want to hear it.  This isn't about what the other options were, or what President Obama did before him, or whatever nonsense he is currently ranting about.

This is about the piss poor example of a human being elected to be leader of the free world.

This is about white supremacists being called "fine people".

This is about bitching about aiding the people of a US Territory after a hurricane.

This is about veiled threats to a psychotic leader of a country polishing its nuclear capabilities.

This is about a war on women's rights.

This is about prioritizing standing for the national anthem above other UGELY more important issues.

This is about not even having the decency to call the widow of a member of our military to offer kind words of condolence without a careless jab.

This is about the fact that he lies so often that if he said the sky was blue, chances are real good I would look out my window to check.

This is about giving credence to the alt right.  Oh, hell no.

This is about tweeting like a baby man.

This is about the fact that all he does is criticize but god forbid he take any criticism; even when his performance is poor.

It would be so much different if he could admit he has faults (maybe not all of them because no one has time for that list).  He could say, he has difficulty with empathy.  I can respect that.

I can respect a need for change.  I cannot respect that day in and day out it has been like a reality TV show.  THIS IS REAL LIFE NOT REALITY TV.

Let's be honest, reality TV is TV in its most vapid form and yet a reality TV "star" was elected president of this country.

With all due respect, if you voted for him, you don't deserve respect; and neither does he.

Respect is earned.  Has 45 accomplished anything since January?

There was the AWESOME replacement for the Affordable Care Act...oh, wait, that's right, health insurance is hard.
There was the simplified tax code...oh wait, he really only wants to give tax breaks to his rich friends.
But Mexico is paying for the wall...oh, wait, American taxpayers are going to pay for that; same as we're paying for secret service detail to watch 45 golf more than he governs.

He cannot even hire staff to make him look less stupid, childish, deranged, delusional (pick an adjective) than he does on a daily basis.

With all due respect, he doesn't care about the poor, the middle class, the disabled, the women, the homosexuals, black people, brown people; not even those in the groups mentioned above that VOTED FOR HIM.

With all due respect, those of you who voted for him are being played daily hourly.  Wake up and smell the coffee.

Yes, I know, I should respect the president and I will again someday...when the respect is due.

Untitled

In this post you will find the words from the U2 song Running To Stand Still.  It's one of my favorite U2 songs.   It was released in 1987...on The Joshua Tree Album which is also one of my favorite albums of all time.  Some people love U2, some don't.  I love U2.  I have seen them in concert twice and regret not going to see the 30th anniversary tour of The Joshua Tree this summer.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHNx1H-bQWQ


This song has always spoken to me; sometimes loud and clear; others more subtly.

And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was
Lying still
Said I gotta do something
About where we're going

Step on a steam train
Step out of the driving rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night
Singing ha, ah la la la de day
Ah da da da de day
Ah la la de day

Sometimes I think the "random" play on my iPhone is anything but.  This song came up on my way to work Monday morning.  I was reeling Monday after hearing about the massacre in Las Vegas.  All at once, the tears came.

Sweet the sin
Bitter than taste in my mouth
I see seven towers
But I only see one way out

You got to cry without weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice
You know I took the poison
From the poison stream
Then I floated out of here
Singing ha la la la de day
Ha la la la de day
Ha la la de day

My brain has a hard time understanding the evil that lives in people; not all people.  Some people though seem to have crushing evil in their hearts.  Others live with an ignorance of anything that doesn't directly pertain to them.  Or they think their rights are being taken away. 

I don't know how to reconcile what happens regularly in this country but not in other industrialized countries.  I struggle to understand how people rise up in defense of fetuses but have no concept of how to care of the poor, or understand that rules written 200+ years ago might not apply word for word today.  If the Constitution was perfect, it wouldn't have amendments. 

She runs through the streets
With eyes painted red
Under a black belly of cloud in the rain
In through a doorway she brings me
White gold and pearls stolen from the sea
She is raging
She is raging
And the storm blows up in her eyes

She will
Suffer the needle chill
She's running to stand
Still

I have mentioned before how much music means to me.  It is part of me.  It brings me joy and peace.  It helps me communicate; a thought, a lament, a prayer.

Life will go on, wounds will heal.  New normals will be found.  Life will never be the same.  How many MORE times will it have to happen? 

10.2.17

It started for me with the E2 nightclub stampede back in February of 2003 when 21 young people were crushed death after someone shot pepper spray off in the club.  I wasn't there but was shocked at how many people were killed when panic ensued.

A couple of weeks later my sister and I went to a Bon Jovi concert.  In our seats before the show started we furtively sought out the exits and planned in our heads how we would exit the venue quickly and safely in case of an emergency. 

In the 14 years that have followed, whenever I have been in a crowd, I have played out in my head how I would escape if it became necessary.  It never occurred to me that I would ever have to put those thoughts to use.

I am sure the people at the country music festival last night in Las Vegas didn't think of it as they ran for cover from automatic weapon fire raining down on them from 30+ stories above.  I seriously have chills typing those words.

I sat in an arena a little over a month ago to see Tim McGraw and Faith Hill.  Made my mental note of the exits and remembered where Chris had parked the car. 

I've been to NASCAR races with 100,000 (or more) of my closest friends (for the day).  Remembering the plan...run away from gunfire, toward an explosion.  My instinct thinks I should run away from the explosion.  WHY DO I NEED TO DEBATE THIS IN MY HEAD???? 

What would you do? 

We could debate gun control in the US.  However, I know the definition of insanity.

For those who think that restricting weapons of war from the average citizen is an infringement of their rights, please tell me, what will it take for you to think rationally about this?  Will it take getting a phone call that it's your child at a concert, a movie, IN SCHOOL?  Please tell me.  Your rights don't mean anything if you're dead in a pool of your own blood.

Does anyone else find it ironic that a lot of gun rights supporters also consider themselves "pro-life".  You cannot truly be both. 

To paraphrase a friend, if you want a gun to hunt, for protection in your home, for your collection; by all means have a gun.  But we as citizens of this country need to protect ourselves and others from lunatics who can buy weapons of mass destruction as easily as they can buy groceries.

Congress needs to stop kowtowing to the gun lobby. 

We also need to take a good hard look at mental healthcare in this country.

It's not about gun control today, though.

It's about the victims

Those killed
Those wounded
Those who will have nightmares for years to come
Those who were there and who will never attend another concert because of fear

It's about the first responders
It's about those who gave blood
Those who gave comfort

Hold your loved ones close today.  Be thankful you're alive and well.  Comfort those you know that aren't as lucky.  Be kind, be aware, be smart.

Peace