No Really, Chemo Brain is a Real Thing

My last chemo treatment was May 12, 2015; over 2 years ago.

I have come to the conclusion that chemo brain is not only a real thing but it's a permanent thing.  I think it's also something that can be triggered.

I relate to that photo; although, sometimes I feel like my brain is empty instead of cluttered. Either way, it sucks.

I got into a very minor traffic accident last week.  At the moment of impact (which is an exaggeration, I was slowing from 25mph and the woman who hit me had come from a dead stop) my brain started to spin.  I was acutely aware as I pulled onto the gas station driveway of 47592756291 thoughts in my head all at once fighting to get out, or stay in, or combine with other thoughts.  I cannot imagine what a hot mess I would have been if this had been a serious accident.

At the police station while completing the police report, I was asked if the air bags had deployed.  Dear lord!!  It had never occurred to me that the air bags could have deployed; again the thoughts whirled in my brain. 

I have locked myself out of the house with a set of keys that opened a different door to the house but it took me 10 minutes to realize that!! 

I HATE THIS.  IT MAKES ME ANGRY, YES I AM YELLING! 

I have to be much more cognizant of getting enough sleep because lack of sleep makes the chemo brain flare.  Sometimes the fact that it is Tuesday makes it flare.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to be healthy and in remission but I would give anything to have all the thoughts I used to have in my head, up there where they belong and in order; not twirling around waiting to disappear when I need them most.

If I am not trying to remember something I have forgotten, it's the struggling  to pay attention for long periods of time.  I can empathize with people who suffer from ADD.  I will often tell myself to focus and 30 seconds later am distracted.

So, when I tell you something for the 2nd time or 8th time, don't get impatient, I don't remember everything anymore.  Somedays, I am lucky I remember anything, or I will remember the most random things.

When I don't tell you something...don't be angry.  I forgot you needed to know or I forgot what it was I was supposed to tell you or BOTH.

When I haul my black binder to the latest music recital...I know the words to the song but sometimes my brain tosses the music right before I begin singing.

When I look at you blankly and I should know you...I do know you, it's just the rolodex in my head is jammed.

 I write myself notes, and carry notes to remind myself to read the notes!

Other days, everything is crystal clear and things run smoothly; but I know it's a matter of time before everything scrambles again.

By far, the chemo brain has been the most frustrating part of my journey.

situational outrage

As we have gone through the last couple of years I have noticed a startling increase in what I like to refer to as situational outrage.

Who here was pissed at Hillary for the email situation??  I certainly hope you're equally pissed at the ridiculousness that has spewed from the White House daily since January 20th.

Who here hates Obamacare?  Are you mad at the insurance and healthcare industries too?

 If not, you might just be pissed that a black man was elected President twice.

 I get it, maybe you didn't like President Obama; that's fine, certainly your prerogative.  You're not EVER going to convince me that a better president is currently in the White House though, so save your breath/letters on your keyboard.

While you're shouting from the rooftops that CNN is "fake news"...have you ever watched Fox News??  Took me less than a minute and an Ipad to prove their "facts" patently false.  And I was not the smartest person in the room at the time.

When you're preaching that progressives should "settle down" and "deal" with our current president...remember, "the world was going to end" with our last President.

You're outraged when you hear about crimes against humanity perpetrated by illegal immigrants.  Were you equally outraged when children and teachers were gunned down by an affluent white man with mental health issues?  Were you pissed as hell when a white man slaughtered people in a movie theater in Colorado?  Or maybe you were angry when the white supremacist killed several black people in a church in Charleston?

I live outside of Chicago.  For the last couple of years there has been a running gang war that has increased the gun violence in the city exponentially.  Many shootings go unsolved because people don't speak up.  People don't speak up because they fear repercussions from gang members.  And the situation snowballs.  People in the worst neighborhoods are outraged that the police don't do more.  The chief of police is outraged at the people dying in the streets and it goes on and on.  How about if you see something SAY something.  The police cannot protect you if they don't know who they are protecting you from.

Don't even get me started on the issue of guns on the streets.

Really people, you cannot pick and choose what to be outraged about and expect to be credible to the people around you.

Sure, you don't like abortions.  Who does??  Seriously, find me someone who does.

But while conservative "Christians" are voting to defund planned parenthood because abortions are among the services PP offers, keep in mind, that they are also eliminating free or inexpensive care for those who desperately need it and they will need it more if Obamacare gets repealed.

Let's go back to Hillary's emails...she is a 70 year old woman; think about it...find a 70 year old woman (or man for that matter) and ask if she knows what kind of server her emails are arriving on.  Should she have known??  Maybe, but I'll be honest, that's on the government IT team.  Her job was to be Secretary of State not supervise the installation of servers in her home or office.  While you're chewing on that there is a seventy something man in the White House tweeting everything that has or hasn't gone on in his life recently.  A lot of the time it doesn't even make sense!!!  And Twitter is secure, right??  Where is your outrage??

Picture for a moment our last President pulling a stunt like covfefe, or attacks on newspeople from MSNBC.  There would have been riots against him in the streets.  The Fox News studios would have imploded with outrage.

Where is your outrage when the speaker of the house, the senate majority leader and various communications people at the White House step to microphones day after day and spew BULLSHIT??  We as Americans deserve better than the shyster (thank you Grandpa for that word) currently posturing as president.

I'd love to see 45 held to the same standards that some held our last President to.

Ah yes, but 45 is a novice...he's new to this, he's not a politician.  That's right...he's a senile seventy something year old man baby who is currently leader of the free world and until that situation changes, I am going to be outraged.

Just Smile

So driving to work this morning I saw a runner coming towards me on the street.  Now I know some runners and they never seem to look happy while running.  Most of the ones I know are happy they are runners and proud of their running accomplishments


 but while running, you'd never know it.

I smiled out the window of my car and the lady running...

SMILED BACK!

I think I also noticed an extra spring in her step as she continued on.


I have always been a smiler but when I lost my hair I found I did it more when out in public.  I also wasn't a big selfie person until I lost my hair.  To me, smiling was like an ice breaker for all involved; for others
 because people stare at women when they are bald, for me because I hate being the center of attention.  So, in the early days of chemo and afterwards when I returned to my office I smiled at people as I passed them or as I caught them looking at me.

Many times it triggered a conversation; as my hair grew in the conversations were less about the hows and whys of my baldness.

By the time my hair grew in, smiling at people was a habit.  I was more shy and reserved before getting sick.  Now...honestly, I don't care what people think of me, I know the kind of person I am and I am tired of the negativity that permeates life these days.  So, I smile at people I pass in the hall at work, on the street when out walking, or in the aisles at the store.  Most smile back or say hello.  I am sure some think I am crazy.  I hope that my smile or greeting makes people happy or at least less sad, angry, moody, fill in the blank.  It makes me happy.

There is way too much stuff making people angry these days.

So, if you see me out and about...you're probably going to get smiled at...unless you're driving poorly.  Then you'll probably get introduced to my car horn...

😁😄🤣