Scan Stress--Anyone Else?

I am fine...really.

I had my scan last Wed...drank the awful stuff, spent some time in a tube, laid the burden on the tech; the usual routine.  My scan read appt is tomorrow.  I am terrified.

I am fine...really.

I look in the mirror every morning...no, my skin tone isn't a scary shade of grey, my eyes are clear and bright, my hair has body and the crazy curls bounce into place with a quick toss and some gel.  Most nights I sleep like the dead  very well.  Although as the stress of the scan read mounts, I wake more in the night.

I am fine...really.

I am back to the gym regularly and if I cannot make the gym, I exercise at home, outside, weather permitting (we've been fairly lucky weather wise so far).  My energy levels are great!  Workouts feel good!!  I am looking for a regular yoga class that fits into my schedule; I miss it terribly.  I am thinking that some meditation may banish this scan stress.

I am fine...really.

I have been planning, cooking and eating good meals.  Let's be honest, I love food!  If I didn't, I would need to move into the gym!!

I am fine...really.

So why does every tiny ache, pain, ITCH, quease (is that even a word?) send fear coursing through my body??  I had a headache the other day...yep, a brain tumor.  Took a vitamin on a slightly empty stomach...the resulting nausea was reminiscent of the days leading up to my diagnosis.  I have been doing some research on the symptom of itchiness that lymphoma patients experience.  Now every itch I get paralyzes me with fear.  I have sensitive skin, I live in Chicago, it's winter and it's been very cold; those facts can cause itchiness as well and HAVE for many many years!!!

I am fine...really?

Am I really going to go through this before every scan, during the time between scans and follow up appointments? Am I ever going to feel like NHL isn't lurking around the corner?

When am I going to be able to schedule a scan/blood test/Dr's appt and know deep in my heart AND my mind that

I am fine REALLY!

Year End/Beginning

So this is Christmas...and what have you done?
Another year older, a new one just begun.

I have always liked this song but as I have gotten older, it has taken on new meaning for me.  The end of 2016 gave me the blahs.  I only need to go back to early November to find out why...and no, it was not because the baseball team from the north side of Chicago won the World Series.  😂

I learned some things about myself and about some people I thought were friends in the weeks and months leading up to the election.  Most of it was rather disappointing.  I think it was better when we didn't discuss politics and religion in polite company.  But I digress.

I am getting ready to embark on my 49th year.  I feel like I am on the brink of something...yes I know...50.  While that may be true, it's more than that.  I am on the brink of 2 years cancer free.  I have a scan this week.

A lot happens each year, both good and bad.  I have learned to let the bad go and savor every moment of good.  So a new year has begun...I have some resolutions and plans for 2017.  I am steeling myself for some interesting times starting in a couple of weeks.  I waver between waiting to be vindicated for what I know to be true and hoping I am wrong.

I don't dread getting older anymore.  I wear every wrinkle and scar with pride, every day is an opportunity to do something cool, fun, good, hard, complicated, serious, funny, flirty, musical, interesting, unbelievable, amazing, lovely, delicious, fast, slow, bright, beautiful, humble, kind, and completely unique!