Scan Stress--Anyone Else?

I am fine...really.

I had my scan last Wed...drank the awful stuff, spent some time in a tube, laid the burden on the tech; the usual routine.  My scan read appt is tomorrow.  I am terrified.

I am fine...really.

I look in the mirror every morning...no, my skin tone isn't a scary shade of grey, my eyes are clear and bright, my hair has body and the crazy curls bounce into place with a quick toss and some gel.  Most nights I sleep like the dead  very well.  Although as the stress of the scan read mounts, I wake more in the night.

I am fine...really.

I am back to the gym regularly and if I cannot make the gym, I exercise at home, outside, weather permitting (we've been fairly lucky weather wise so far).  My energy levels are great!  Workouts feel good!!  I am looking for a regular yoga class that fits into my schedule; I miss it terribly.  I am thinking that some meditation may banish this scan stress.

I am fine...really.

I have been planning, cooking and eating good meals.  Let's be honest, I love food!  If I didn't, I would need to move into the gym!!

I am fine...really.

So why does every tiny ache, pain, ITCH, quease (is that even a word?) send fear coursing through my body??  I had a headache the other day...yep, a brain tumor.  Took a vitamin on a slightly empty stomach...the resulting nausea was reminiscent of the days leading up to my diagnosis.  I have been doing some research on the symptom of itchiness that lymphoma patients experience.  Now every itch I get paralyzes me with fear.  I have sensitive skin, I live in Chicago, it's winter and it's been very cold; those facts can cause itchiness as well and HAVE for many many years!!!

I am fine...really?

Am I really going to go through this before every scan, during the time between scans and follow up appointments? Am I ever going to feel like NHL isn't lurking around the corner?

When am I going to be able to schedule a scan/blood test/Dr's appt and know deep in my heart AND my mind that

I am fine REALLY!