So, I just scheduled my 6 month PET scan for 8/25 and I am immediately filled with dread. I am not sure why...I feel great. My hair is filling in, I am getting to the gym on a regular basis, I have started some weight training, making some plans for the distant future (read 2016). I cannot blame Peggy (the registrar in the radiology dept); she's not scary in the least. My blood pressure is lower, work has not been particularly stressful, the summer with the kids was fun albeit short. Somehow I cannot get rid of the feeling that the other shoe is going to drop...then the rational mind takes over.
I am not schizophrenic but I do possess two separate and distinct minds.
The rational one, that is militant about planning things and being organized, fairly strict about diet and meal planning, and always in pursuit of something fun to do.
Then there is irrational one.
The irrational one has played a larger part in my life this year. The irrational one raced when I couldn't sleep because of the prednisone. The irrational one thought I had the flu or needed my gall bladder removed when in fact Lymphoma was raging away in my body.
I allowed my irrational mind in a few times after my diagnosis and during treatment and it always wanted to stay. I did my best to make sure it didn't get the chance to unpack and get comfortable. I often found myself literally thinking, "Go away!" whenever I started to wallow or get scared that I wasn't kicking cancer's ass!
Rational knew I was winning the battle; it knew I was getting stronger. Irrational knew I had a pretty good life and wanted to be a part of it. Thankfully Rational is wise and Irrational did wear out its welcome.
I am guessing anyone who has waged a health battle understands my post while those who have not, think I am slightly crazy and I might be but it has little to do with having two separate minds. LOL
I guess what I am trying to say is that it's OK. I didn't get a playbook with Lymphoma and there were days it was scary. There were also days that were jubilant, fulfilling and yes, even fun. It's OK to fear the results of a test 6 months removed but I am a warrior so I am going to stomp the fear into a tiny bit of concern and when I sit down with my oncologist in early September, I am going to hear the results that I fight for daily and then maybe, Irrational will take an extended vacation.