Hospital Gown Hell

 Can we talk about hospital gowns?

I had to go in for some routine scans recently and because of the types of scans, I had to disrobe and put on one of these gowns on 2 different occasions.

Who invented the hospital gown anyway?  If you google "hospital gown" you will see that it has its own Wikipedia page...more than you ever wanted to know.

I've tried cotton gowns, flannel gowns, and paper gowns...do you wear it backwards, forwards???

More importantly, which is the back and which is the front???  I don't think I have ever seen one with a tag.

And the tab ties??  WTH???  I will be the first to admit I am not the skinniest person on the planet but good lord, I am also not the largest person.  They never seem to fit comfortably and you always have part of it or you flapping in the breeze.  Have you ever noticed how breezy it is in a hospital? 

That cannot be a good thing.  At the hospital, I tied my gown together as best as I could had still had half a thigh (in true Angelina Jolie fashion) and the left side of my right boob hanging out (Kim K would have been proud).

The radiology area of a hospital is often pretty chilly too, you have to keep all of that ridiculously expensive equipment cool and in turn freeze out your staff and patients!

Snaps??  They sort of work as long as it makes sense where the snaps are located.  What about velcro?  That would work.  I bet velcro doesn't hold up to multiple washings in super hot water.

I have had nurses suggest wearing one front-wards and one backwards to "cover all the bases" so to speak.  Yeah, that's a good look.

Part of me feels sorry for medical staff, I realize they see body parts daily, it's part of routine job "hazards" LOL but it seems to me that it's avoidable.

WHY HASN"T SOMEONE COME UP WITH AN EASY IN AND EASY OUT HOSPITAL GOWN??


Why am I spending so much time thinking about it? 

I go to a clinic that specializes in mammograms...the gown is short.  You only need to disrobe from the waist up for a mammogram.  These gowns are flannel, bordering on fleece, have snaps AND ties so while you're sitting in the waiting room, you almost feel clothed, what a concept!!

The one day I spent in the hospital, I wore a couple of gowns; each one crazier than the other trying to get into (and out of) without flashing a cast of thousands.  I finally sent Chris home to get some yoga pants and a fleece jacket.  Lymphoma was going to be the least of my problems...I was going to freeze to death or give some poor unsuspecting tech PTSD because they saw more of me than necessary!

Years ago, I worked in the intimate apparel (read lingerie) department of a now defunct local department store chain.  They sold house coats.  Some buttoned/snapped up the front and others zipped.  Couldn't they make something similar for a hospital gown...maybe with zippers in both the front AND the back in sizes XXS to 10X to cover people of all sizes.  Maybe in flannel for the chillier exam rooms??

Spending time in the hospital, whether it's outpatient or inpatient is rarely fun and it's often uncomfortable and can be humiliating.  Patients should be as comfortable as possible, don't you think?  Also, maybe some footies...when you disrobe for a scan...socks on or socks off, same with your shoes??  Can I just say that a hospital gown with beige suede booties or black riding boots looks ridiculous but again, it's cold.  What about size 15 athletic shoes?

I went with my socks yesterday in case you were wondering...picture it...pale blue hospital gown opening up in all the wrong places with maroon socks.  Go ahead, laugh...I did, so did my techs when I shared my frustrations.

OK, my work here is done.  I may work on researching how to make a speculum warm to the touch.  Look it up if you don't know what it is.