Enough Already

I am going to stray a bit from my normal topics here to get a few things off my chest. 

Based on the events in Orlando, FL, I feel the need to say a few things out loud here on the internet.  I am sad about what happened.  I am angry about what happened.  I am stunned that things like this keep happening and the lawmakers of the US are too busy arguing with each other and cashing checks from the gun lobby to do anything about it.

We have a candidate for President who wants the current President to step down because of how he described the tragedy that occurred yesterday.  Really??  I honestly want to know why a presidential candidate needs to weigh in on what happened yesterday with anything other than, "My heart goes out to the victims and their families."  Trust me no one wants to hear how you would handle this if you were President.  Hopefully the people of the US will never have to worry about YOU being President because 50 people dying in a night club on Latin night will be the very LEAST of our problems if YOU are elected President.

But let's get back to what happened.  An unstable wife beater with a history of shady remarks regarding terrorism and ISIS, who was investigated by the FBI twice was able to LEGALLY buy an assault weapon and mow down 49 people in a night club.  In what alternative universe is this OK?

Now I know that I have friends and acquaintances that want the constitutional right to bear arms.  I get that.  The Constitutional was written a couple hundred years ago.  It does NOT cover assault rifles.  Some may say they are gun collectors and that is why they NEED an assault rifle.  OK, then you'll be OK with waiting a few days/weeks/months, however long it takes authorities to confirm that you are not clinically insane, a convicted felon, a closet terrorist, some combination of those three or someone who might just be THISCLOSE to snapping because they saw two boys kissing or because the sun rose in the East today.  If you really and truly are going to keep it in a lovely cherry gun case and take it out periodically to blow the hell out of pop cans in a remote field somewhere, YOU WILL BE WILLING TO WAIT.  Otherwise I question your need for an assault rifle.

Anyone reading this who wants to tell me I am wrong, I make one request of you.  Look at this situation as if it was your child killed in Orlando; their body riddled with the 30 bullets than an assault rifle can fire off in the blink of an eye.  If you still think I am wrong, I question what is in your heart and I am entitled to my opinion as you are.

I am beginning to think that might be the problem.  People's hearts have become hard, intolerant, mean, opinionated, high and mighty, better than everyone else and they feel the need to talk about it, tweet about it, instagram about it; whatever forum they choose.  That's another problem, there are way too many forums where people can spew the hate and intolerance.  Whatever happened to the phrase, "If you cannot think of anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"?  Yes, of course you are entitled to your opinion, but wisdom should tell you that not every opinion should be shared.  One of the beautiful things about life in the USA is that we are ALL entitled to have an opinion; man, woman, black, white, gay, straight, Muslim, immigrant.  Oh yes, and at one point ALL Americans were immigrants so we're not going to have THAT discussion here.

In a couple of weeks we will celebrate the 240th birthday of the United States of America; the greatest nation on Earth.  I remember when we celebrated our nation's bicentennial.  It was a different world then.  Better now?  Better then?  I am not sure, there are arguments for both sides of that coin.  I worry now on the 4th of July; where in America will the next terrorist attack be. Will it be a parade?  a fireworks display?  I know for sure, I didn't worry about that in 1976 and neither did my parents.

Maybe if everyone was kinder to one another...

Maybe if you said hello to someone on the street...

Maybe if you held a door...

Maybe if you smiled at a child...

Maybe if you told a stranger to have a nice day...

Maybe if you paid for coffee for the guy behind you in line at Starbucks or Dunkin...

Maybe if you let that red Chevy in when merging on the expressway...

Maybe if you kept your mouth shut when you didn't have something nice to say...

Maybe if you weren't so quick to jump down someone's throat when they said something you didn't agree with...

Maybe if you made it clear to your local,  state and federal politicians that you are NOT happy with the status quo...

Maybe if you changed your profile photo to show support...and then did something concrete to reinforce the support...

Maybe if you saw each person as just a person...without a label describing the color of their skin, their ethnicity, their religion, their sexual preference, their gender...

Maybe if we all tried some of these things and I could come up with 100 more easily.

Many people have said that Love always wins.  How about we try getting behind Love...it could use the support right about now.

After 9/11, I was surprised at how kind people were to each other; how that tragedy unified.  Now everything divides.

 I live in Chicago where gangs are at war and dozens of people are shot senselessly every week.  It is as is life has no value.  EVERY LIFE HAS VALUE.

Maybe this will be the tragedy that unifies.  Unfortunately, I have become jaded over the years so I will be honest and say that I doubt it will happen.  That makes me sad...and angry and I have come full circle from the opening of this post.  I have had enough.

I will do my part to be kinder, gentler; quieter if I don't have anything nice to say.  Who is with me?

Scans Redux

So, back in April I had a CT scan.  Unfortunately, I was supposed to have scanS.  I will go Wednesday to get the rest of the scans.

I get drink the yummy liquid that sends my stomach into odd convulsions.  I get to sit on pins and needles until my oncologist calls giving me the all clear.

Yes, it's all for he best.

I spent a week in Disney, walking miles, enjoying the sites.  Summer has come to Chicago.  My planting for he season is just about done.  I have put away my sweaters and replaced them with shorts, sandals, and dresses.  And yet I sit in the same place I did almost 2 months ago...all because of a clerical error.

I wish I could be scanned for cancer as easily as I got scanned to make sure I wasn't bringing weapons onto the plane to Disney.  I wish I didn't worry even though I know I am well.  I wish people I work with would understand how sick the contrast solution makes me.  I wish they would understand that the new order management system is never going to be my first priority.  It can't be.  My first priority will always be my health.

1 year

1 year
12 months
52 weeks
365 days

I got my scan results on Friday.  Well most of them anyway.  It seems that there was some miscommunication between my oncologist's office and the radiology dept at my hospital.  I did not have a complete set of scans taken last week.

The ones I got were clean.  We're about 99% sure that the ones I still need to have will be clean but I still have to go for them.  Fun times.  I am waiting on word from my oncologist's office that my insurance company will approve this process (AGAIN).

I feel good.
I look good (so I am told).

I look back often at a year ago.  I was cancer free and dreading my chemo appointments because I felt great in between and I FELT LIKE HELL for several days after treatment.  I spent time wondering why we had to keep pumping poison into my body.  Yes, that's right, I was questioning the grand plan. 

You do that when you're bald and you're not supposed to be.  When you have sores on your mouth and it burns to eat and drink certain foods.  When you live for several days in this ridiculous haze that you cannot break on your own.  The toxic drugs need to clear your system.  Some days I still have some haze, and my fingers tingle and I forget 27451 different things and I get frustrated.

But I won. 

I have enjoyed every day or at least one thing every day since kicking cancer to the curb.

And I will continue to

FOREVER

Feeling a Little Anxiety

Or is it angst?  Who knows.

I have an oncologist follow up appointment next week and have yet to get the call for the PET scan.  I HATE having to rely on other people.  I should be able to make this appointment and get it out of the way.

But, I have to wait for Dr. K. to file the order for the test...
And, I have to wait for Cigna to approve the test...
And, I have to wait for the registrar of the radiation department at the hospital to call me...

On the day of the test I will wait for my fancy paper bracelet...
I will wait to be called...
I will wait for the tech to coax a vein out of my arm...
I will wait for an HOUR while the radioactive sugar floats around in my body...
I will wait in the tube for all of the pictures to be taken...

I WILL REMEMBER TO REMOVE MY FITBIT BEFORE GOING INTO THE TUBE!!!!
(Techs get a little concerned when there is suddenly a foreign object appearing on their screen.)

So if I have been irritable...uptight and restless, it's the anxiety of not knowing, even though I know.  Or it might be angst.

I want the test proving that I am a 1 year survivor.  C'mon, I cannot be the only Type A person needing this test.

Daytona

Last year when I was sick, I had to cancel a trip to Daytona, FL for the Daytona 500.  While battling cancer, I was also battling Southwest Airlines for a refund on my airfare; apparently getting said refund is harder that beating cancer but that is another story.

I toured Daytona International Speedway with my family back in 1989.  Back when racing wasn't big nationwide, back before Jeff Gordon and Tony Stewart and Jimmie Johnson, back before my Dad passed, back when I was younger.  Sure, I was 21 but I didn't consider myself an adult.

My Dad loved stock car racing.  When he was alive, the only race on TV unless you had some obscure cable channel called SPEED was the Daytona 500.  If he was alive today, he would be beside himself with the coverage and Mom would not be amused with the size of the cable bill.  LOL

Since his passing I have been to races at Las Vegas Motor Speedway, Indianapolis Motor Speedway, Michigan International Speedway, Kansas Speedway, and Chicagoland Speedway.  He would have loved a race in person.  He loved the tour of Daytona more than 5 days in Disney.  He was like a kid in a candy store.  I have such fond memories of that trip; our last family trip before he passed away.  He loved Daytona Beach as well; something about cars on the beach...  Honestly Daytona Beach is a cheesy little town but there is something about it that is very appealing. My Dad got it, I get it.

I remember hearing the words from my oncologist that the trip to Daytona was a no-go once I started chemo.  I was crushed but I needed to get well and honestly wasn't strong enough to make the trip at that point anyway.  So I got to work getting well.  At the same time construction crews were working on Daytona International Speedway...on a $400million renovation of the World Center of Racing.  We both made fantastic progress.

Last Spring the doctors told me I was in remission and I should get to work enjoying life; so I re-booked the trip for Feb 2016.

I follow NASCAR and most of the tracks on the circuit on social media so I got many many updates on the progress of the renovation.  The closer I got to February the more excited I got.  Then the tickets came and I just about lost my mind.

I started following the weather 3 weeks in advance because you know you can predict weather 3 weeks in advance!  Thank goodness you can't...60 and rainy is not appealing when you're sitting still for 3+ hours.

As the time grew closer I'll be honest, I had some nerves.  I packed cold meds, pain meds, allergy meds, etc.  What if I got sick?  What if it snowed?  What if the race was rained out?

On the day we were flying Chicago had terrible winds.  Gusts over 60mph.  Flying is all kinds of fun when it's windy...as if I am good flyer to begin with.

We made it.  The weather on race day was PERFECT!!  The tagline for the renovation at Daytona International Speedway is "Daytona Rising".  Those words always made me smile.  You see, I believe I was meant to see the new track and if I had been able to go last year, it would not have been finished.  So I practiced patience (those who know me, do not laugh here).  I got healthy, I made it.

I got teary at the track several times.  As I said before, Dad would have LOVED it.

Now I know that crews at the track will paint that yellow line over and over.  But I was there...it's there in black and well, yellow.  It will be there forever...or until they decide the track needs to be repaved.  I was very nostalgic the whole time we were in Florida.  I have many fond memories of that trip in 1989 and I have a bunch of new ones from my trip last week.  It was nothing short of amazing.

Daytona rising...
A check on my bucket list
A dream fulfilled
The smallest margin of victory in the history of the Daytona 500
4 inches, .001 seconds
Closing in on a milestone
Coming soon...
#dontstopbelieving
#finishthefight

Frozen

If you live in Chicago during January, you are well versed in the concept of frozen.  The wind chill was -26 when I left the house Monday morning.  It literally took 10 hours and and change of socks to get my feet to warm up.

Today is the anniversary (31 years) of the coldest day in history in Chicago...the TEMPERATURE was -26...the wind chill, real feel, call it what you want was somewhere in the -70's or some such nonsense.  It was freaking COLD.  I was out in it as the stupid 17 year old that I was...oh wait, I was out with my parents and some other parental supervision, watching of all things a hockey game.  It was so cold you left your car running  in the parking lot to make sure the engine didn't freeze and leave you stranded.  When the players stepped outside after showering in the locker room, their hair froze.  Yes, contact lenses can freeze while in your eyes..been there done that.

Frozen is also a delightful (if not overplayed) Disney movie.  I am guessing that anyone who reads this knows who Elsa, Anna and Olaf are and know every word of the movie's anthem, "Let it Go".  You're welcome for the earworm.

Today is the one year anniversary of having my port installed for chemo.  I remember kind of being frozen in the days after my diagnosis.  Not in the sense of not being able to move but watch a body of water when it is starting to freeze...think Lake Michigan.  I was at the lakefront the other day and the lake is not frozen as it has been the last couple of winters but it was thicker than normal, and moving slowly, sluggishly.  Think of a Slushie from 7-Eleven.  That was me a year ago...sluggishly moving from one appointment to another, being poked, prodded, medicated, terrified of the unknown and EVERYTHING at that point was unknown.

Every so often the scars from my port zap me.  I am sure it is mostly psychological but the little twinges of pain are real.  I look at them as reminders of where I have been AND where I am going.  A little kick to the irrational fears of a relapse, a little poke to keep moving forward.  Keep working, keep fighting, keep standing tall, keep heading out into the cold of another January in Chicago.

"Let It Go" has it right...in spite of my grousing and grumbling, the cold really doesn't bother me...unless Jack Frost is trying to sucker punch me and tear my ears off at the same time!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk

January

So another January begins.  January is not my favorite month.  Sure, I like the clean slate feel of New Years...getting back to good eating habits and getting the Christmas decorations put away for another year. My birthday is in January, but let's face it...January in Chicago can be brutal from a weather perspective.  Google "polar vortex" if you don't believe me.

This January I am a little edgy.  I don't mean trendy.  I am closing in on the anniversary of my diagnosis.  Every ache and pain I get sends me into a fit of nervousness thinking the lymphoma has returned.  I have been intensifying my workouts so aches and pains are not unusual.  I feel fantastic.  It doesn't stop me from worrying about every twinge.  *sigh*

I flash back now and again to how I felt a year ago...it wasn't pretty.

I am trying not to be in a constant state of panic.  This is normal right?  This will go away the longer I  stay healthy, right?  I'm not crazy, right?  Well...

My birthday is Tuesday...last year I barely had the energy to go to work and I slept on the couch until Chris got home from work.

Saturday is my diagnosis anniversary.  The 27th is the anniversary of my first treatment and Mom's birthday.

January is dark.  And cold.  Sometimes it's snowy.  Google "the Blizzard of '79".  I remember an ice storm on my birthday several years ago...we ordered pizza.  I tipped the delivery guy almost as much as the pizza cost because he got the pie up the front steps in one piece!  January is LONG.  It can be grueling.

No one will be happier than me when January is over!