Feeling a Little Anxiety

Or is it angst?  Who knows.

I have an oncologist follow up appointment next week and have yet to get the call for the PET scan.  I HATE having to rely on other people.  I should be able to make this appointment and get it out of the way.

But, I have to wait for Dr. K. to file the order for the test...
And, I have to wait for Cigna to approve the test...
And, I have to wait for the registrar of the radiation department at the hospital to call me...

On the day of the test I will wait for my fancy paper bracelet...
I will wait to be called...
I will wait for the tech to coax a vein out of my arm...
I will wait for an HOUR while the radioactive sugar floats around in my body...
I will wait in the tube for all of the pictures to be taken...

I WILL REMEMBER TO REMOVE MY FITBIT BEFORE GOING INTO THE TUBE!!!!
(Techs get a little concerned when there is suddenly a foreign object appearing on their screen.)

So if I have been irritable...uptight and restless, it's the anxiety of not knowing, even though I know.  Or it might be angst.

I want the test proving that I am a 1 year survivor.  C'mon, I cannot be the only Type A person needing this test.

Daytona

Last year when I was sick, I had to cancel a trip to Daytona, FL for the Daytona 500.  While battling cancer, I was also battling Southwest Airlines for a refund on my airfare; apparently getting said refund is harder that beating cancer but that is another story.

I toured Daytona International Speedway with my family back in 1989.  Back when racing wasn't big nationwide, back before Jeff Gordon and Tony Stewart and Jimmie Johnson, back before my Dad passed, back when I was younger.  Sure, I was 21 but I didn't consider myself an adult.

My Dad loved stock car racing.  When he was alive, the only race on TV unless you had some obscure cable channel called SPEED was the Daytona 500.  If he was alive today, he would be beside himself with the coverage and Mom would not be amused with the size of the cable bill.  LOL

Since his passing I have been to races at Las Vegas Motor Speedway, Indianapolis Motor Speedway, Michigan International Speedway, Kansas Speedway, and Chicagoland Speedway.  He would have loved a race in person.  He loved the tour of Daytona more than 5 days in Disney.  He was like a kid in a candy store.  I have such fond memories of that trip; our last family trip before he passed away.  He loved Daytona Beach as well; something about cars on the beach...  Honestly Daytona Beach is a cheesy little town but there is something about it that is very appealing. My Dad got it, I get it.

I remember hearing the words from my oncologist that the trip to Daytona was a no-go once I started chemo.  I was crushed but I needed to get well and honestly wasn't strong enough to make the trip at that point anyway.  So I got to work getting well.  At the same time construction crews were working on Daytona International Speedway...on a $400million renovation of the World Center of Racing.  We both made fantastic progress.

Last Spring the doctors told me I was in remission and I should get to work enjoying life; so I re-booked the trip for Feb 2016.

I follow NASCAR and most of the tracks on the circuit on social media so I got many many updates on the progress of the renovation.  The closer I got to February the more excited I got.  Then the tickets came and I just about lost my mind.

I started following the weather 3 weeks in advance because you know you can predict weather 3 weeks in advance!  Thank goodness you can't...60 and rainy is not appealing when you're sitting still for 3+ hours.

As the time grew closer I'll be honest, I had some nerves.  I packed cold meds, pain meds, allergy meds, etc.  What if I got sick?  What if it snowed?  What if the race was rained out?

On the day we were flying Chicago had terrible winds.  Gusts over 60mph.  Flying is all kinds of fun when it's windy...as if I am good flyer to begin with.

We made it.  The weather on race day was PERFECT!!  The tagline for the renovation at Daytona International Speedway is "Daytona Rising".  Those words always made me smile.  You see, I believe I was meant to see the new track and if I had been able to go last year, it would not have been finished.  So I practiced patience (those who know me, do not laugh here).  I got healthy, I made it.

I got teary at the track several times.  As I said before, Dad would have LOVED it.

Now I know that crews at the track will paint that yellow line over and over.  But I was there...it's there in black and well, yellow.  It will be there forever...or until they decide the track needs to be repaved.  I was very nostalgic the whole time we were in Florida.  I have many fond memories of that trip in 1989 and I have a bunch of new ones from my trip last week.  It was nothing short of amazing.

Daytona rising...
A check on my bucket list
A dream fulfilled
The smallest margin of victory in the history of the Daytona 500
4 inches, .001 seconds
Closing in on a milestone
Coming soon...
#dontstopbelieving
#finishthefight

Frozen

If you live in Chicago during January, you are well versed in the concept of frozen.  The wind chill was -26 when I left the house Monday morning.  It literally took 10 hours and and change of socks to get my feet to warm up.

Today is the anniversary (31 years) of the coldest day in history in Chicago...the TEMPERATURE was -26...the wind chill, real feel, call it what you want was somewhere in the -70's or some such nonsense.  It was freaking COLD.  I was out in it as the stupid 17 year old that I was...oh wait, I was out with my parents and some other parental supervision, watching of all things a hockey game.  It was so cold you left your car running  in the parking lot to make sure the engine didn't freeze and leave you stranded.  When the players stepped outside after showering in the locker room, their hair froze.  Yes, contact lenses can freeze while in your eyes..been there done that.

Frozen is also a delightful (if not overplayed) Disney movie.  I am guessing that anyone who reads this knows who Elsa, Anna and Olaf are and know every word of the movie's anthem, "Let it Go".  You're welcome for the earworm.

Today is the one year anniversary of having my port installed for chemo.  I remember kind of being frozen in the days after my diagnosis.  Not in the sense of not being able to move but watch a body of water when it is starting to freeze...think Lake Michigan.  I was at the lakefront the other day and the lake is not frozen as it has been the last couple of winters but it was thicker than normal, and moving slowly, sluggishly.  Think of a Slushie from 7-Eleven.  That was me a year ago...sluggishly moving from one appointment to another, being poked, prodded, medicated, terrified of the unknown and EVERYTHING at that point was unknown.

Every so often the scars from my port zap me.  I am sure it is mostly psychological but the little twinges of pain are real.  I look at them as reminders of where I have been AND where I am going.  A little kick to the irrational fears of a relapse, a little poke to keep moving forward.  Keep working, keep fighting, keep standing tall, keep heading out into the cold of another January in Chicago.

"Let It Go" has it right...in spite of my grousing and grumbling, the cold really doesn't bother me...unless Jack Frost is trying to sucker punch me and tear my ears off at the same time!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk

January

So another January begins.  January is not my favorite month.  Sure, I like the clean slate feel of New Years...getting back to good eating habits and getting the Christmas decorations put away for another year. My birthday is in January, but let's face it...January in Chicago can be brutal from a weather perspective.  Google "polar vortex" if you don't believe me.

This January I am a little edgy.  I don't mean trendy.  I am closing in on the anniversary of my diagnosis.  Every ache and pain I get sends me into a fit of nervousness thinking the lymphoma has returned.  I have been intensifying my workouts so aches and pains are not unusual.  I feel fantastic.  It doesn't stop me from worrying about every twinge.  *sigh*

I flash back now and again to how I felt a year ago...it wasn't pretty.

I am trying not to be in a constant state of panic.  This is normal right?  This will go away the longer I  stay healthy, right?  I'm not crazy, right?  Well...

My birthday is Tuesday...last year I barely had the energy to go to work and I slept on the couch until Chris got home from work.

Saturday is my diagnosis anniversary.  The 27th is the anniversary of my first treatment and Mom's birthday.

January is dark.  And cold.  Sometimes it's snowy.  Google "the Blizzard of '79".  I remember an ice storm on my birthday several years ago...we ordered pizza.  I tipped the delivery guy almost as much as the pizza cost because he got the pie up the front steps in one piece!  January is LONG.  It can be grueling.

No one will be happier than me when January is over!

A New Year

When you've had cancer, everything is new.

I have a new 'do.

I have new found strength and a new appreciation for my health.

It was right around this time last year that I started to feel lousy and progressively worse on a daily basis.  Each day I wake up with a memory of how I felt a year ago.  I wonder how I functioned as a wife, stepmom, inventory planner, auntie, friend, daughter, sister, niece....

Was it my back?  My gall bladder?  Nope...it was my blood.

I am looking forward to 2016.

My birthday is in 2 weeks.  I got my diagnosis 4 days after my birthday last year.  I wasn't eating much so I didn't enjoy my birthday dinner with Chris.

I am getting a do-over on my trip to Daytona in February.

I am going to Disney in May with my niece and nephew.  I can't wait to show them the magic of Disney.

A new year holds so much promise, so much hope.  For me everything stopped on 1/16/15 until I got a grip on my treatment.  For several days I lived in the twilight zone.

I have mentioned this before...I am lucky and grateful.  I am going to celebrate this New Year like never before.  Every day is important to me now.  I have a new appreciation for everything in my life

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne.
For auld lang syne my dear for auld lang syne
We'll take a cup of kindness yet and days of auld lang syne.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmVXYOJzAJM&list=RDcmVXYOJzAJM

What a Differrence a Year Makes

It was just about a year ago that my health started going to hell in a hand basket.

Every morning when my alarm goes off I expect to not feel rested, to feel the pain in my back that didn't go away for so long.  Then I smile to myself when I don't.

I look in the mirror as I wash my face and marvel at the normal color of my skin and the fact that I don't have black circles under my eyes.

When I apply makeup it looks good.

When I go to bed after a long day, I go to sleep and it is restful.  Occasionally neuropathy in my hands wakes me out of sound sleep but in a matter of minutes I am back to sleep with no problem.

My appetite is good and I can eat pretty much anything and not feel icky.  A year ago, just about EVERYTHING I ate made me feel icky.

I am not going to lie; aches and pains scare the hell out of me; especially new ones.  Hopefully that will go away with time.  I am looking forward to Christmas even though I am a little overwhelmed with everything that needs to happen in the next 11 days.  One big difference though is that I feel like I can handle it.  A year ago, it was all I could do to put one foot in front of the other.  And if everything doesn't happen, that's OK too.

I approach 2016 with hope, health, happiness, a profound sense of gratitude and the need to enjoy everything I took for granted.  I also spend more time looking for the good in every person and situation.

Life is good; it's also maddening, scary sometimes, hard, dark, busy, and ever changing.  Buckle up, it's worth the ride!!

December Check Up

I had an appt with my oncologist today. 

It's funny how I can feel perfectly fine and yet walking into the office, I immediately felt a bit of anxiety.  I felt the blood pressure increase ever so slightly.  The irrational brain was working overtime.

The people at the office are all wonderful, kind, sweet, reassuring, I could go on and on.

I sat for a bit in the waiting room.  Patients currently receiving chemo get called first for morning appointments.

I got called for my blood test; the vein in my left arm was less cooperative than usual today.

Back to the waiting room.

It didn't help that the TV in the waiting room was tuned to the TODAY show and the hosts were discussing yesterday's mass shooting in California.  My blood boils when I think of how easy it is to get a gun in the US.  It is ridiculous really.

I got called for my vitals check...BP--perfect, temp 98 degrees; I have never once been 98.6, weight--higher than I'd like, perfect for "fighting weight".

Then I was escorted to an exam room.  Alone with my thoughts I sat for about a half hour.  A half hour alone with my thoughts is rarely a good thing.  I am not sure if this is by design or not but my oncologist's office is on the ground floor of the hospital and reception on my cell is almost non existent.  I didn't even have Lexelous to occupy my mind. 

I could hear Dr. K in the hall taking calls and dictating notes on a previous patient.

Then it was my turn.

"Perfect" blood work.

I knew it.  I feel fine.  People say I look good.  My skin tone is a healthy color.  I've said it before; grey is great for a cardigan, it's not a good skin tone!

I need to go back in April with a PET scan ahead of the appt.  All is well, let the holiday celebrating begin!