Scan Stress--Anyone Else?

I am fine...really.

I had my scan last Wed...drank the awful stuff, spent some time in a tube, laid the burden on the tech; the usual routine.  My scan read appt is tomorrow.  I am terrified.

I am fine...really.

I look in the mirror every morning...no, my skin tone isn't a scary shade of grey, my eyes are clear and bright, my hair has body and the crazy curls bounce into place with a quick toss and some gel.  Most nights I sleep like the dead  very well.  Although as the stress of the scan read mounts, I wake more in the night.

I am fine...really.

I am back to the gym regularly and if I cannot make the gym, I exercise at home, outside, weather permitting (we've been fairly lucky weather wise so far).  My energy levels are great!  Workouts feel good!!  I am looking for a regular yoga class that fits into my schedule; I miss it terribly.  I am thinking that some meditation may banish this scan stress.

I am fine...really.

I have been planning, cooking and eating good meals.  Let's be honest, I love food!  If I didn't, I would need to move into the gym!!

I am fine...really.

So why does every tiny ache, pain, ITCH, quease (is that even a word?) send fear coursing through my body??  I had a headache the other day...yep, a brain tumor.  Took a vitamin on a slightly empty stomach...the resulting nausea was reminiscent of the days leading up to my diagnosis.  I have been doing some research on the symptom of itchiness that lymphoma patients experience.  Now every itch I get paralyzes me with fear.  I have sensitive skin, I live in Chicago, it's winter and it's been very cold; those facts can cause itchiness as well and HAVE for many many years!!!

I am fine...really?

Am I really going to go through this before every scan, during the time between scans and follow up appointments? Am I ever going to feel like NHL isn't lurking around the corner?

When am I going to be able to schedule a scan/blood test/Dr's appt and know deep in my heart AND my mind that

I am fine REALLY!

Year End/Beginning

So this is Christmas...and what have you done?
Another year older, a new one just begun.

I have always liked this song but as I have gotten older, it has taken on new meaning for me.  The end of 2016 gave me the blahs.  I only need to go back to early November to find out why...and no, it was not because the baseball team from the north side of Chicago won the World Series.  😂

I learned some things about myself and about some people I thought were friends in the weeks and months leading up to the election.  Most of it was rather disappointing.  I think it was better when we didn't discuss politics and religion in polite company.  But I digress.

I am getting ready to embark on my 49th year.  I feel like I am on the brink of something...yes I know...50.  While that may be true, it's more than that.  I am on the brink of 2 years cancer free.  I have a scan this week.

A lot happens each year, both good and bad.  I have learned to let the bad go and savor every moment of good.  So a new year has begun...I have some resolutions and plans for 2017.  I am steeling myself for some interesting times starting in a couple of weeks.  I waver between waiting to be vindicated for what I know to be true and hoping I am wrong.

I don't dread getting older anymore.  I wear every wrinkle and scar with pride, every day is an opportunity to do something cool, fun, good, hard, complicated, serious, funny, flirty, musical, interesting, unbelievable, amazing, lovely, delicious, fast, slow, bright, beautiful, humble, kind, and completely unique!

How did WE get HERE?

I have come here a couple of times in the last couple of days trying to think of how to express my feelings.

Trying to reconcile what happened on election day with what I thought were the common beliefs of the citizens of this country.

I have found that I cannot.

I feel a little lost, like I did around mid afternoon on 9/11..when the news bombarded us with the horror in NYC, DC, and rural PA.  I think the news bombards us more now.  I am not sure that's a good thing.

I am beginning to think that perhaps social media is not such a great thing; ironic, no?

Before you decide that you know what I am going to say next let me say that I have been attacked on social media for stating that something offended me.  I didn't say a WORD about who I voted for.  I simply stated that a statement made by someone I thought was a friend was offensive and insensitive.  Once attacked, I did what anyone would.  I defended my position of why I thought it was offensive, and I was attacked further.  Only one person in on the attack knew ANYTHING about me and she was as nasty as the rest.

This is your future America.  Hatred and nastiness have been given acceptance.  If things continue on this path, we won't need ISIS or some other terrorist group to do us in.  We will do it to ourselves.

I am trying to be hopeful that we won't go too much farther down the rabbit hole, but how do we stop it?  I think our president elect is trying.  A predictable tweet from last night was followed up with one more presidential earlier today.  I think no one was more surprised with Tuesday's outcome than the winner himself.  Perhaps he had an "oh shit" moment.  I hope and pray he had an "oh shit" moment. 

I think we ALL need to have an "oh shit" moment.

Social media affords us all the opportunity to put our every thought, belief, idea, joke, quip, or piece of brain vomit out in the open for the world to see.   Why is that necessary?  Sure, everyone is absolutely entitled to their opinion and everyone has the right to speak their mind.  Tell me why anyone else should care.  Tell me why anyone else should hold the same opinion and why they should be attacked if they do not.  Just because you CAN do something doesn't automatically mean that you SHOULD do something.

I will be the first to admit, I probably shouldn't have called out the person I did yesterday but if we don't call each other out when we are being hateful and nasty, when and how does it end?

 It's not OK.  It's not OK from the person getting ready to move into the White House down to the person on the street in Anytown, USA.  It's not what this country was founded on and it's not what makes us great and make NO MISTAKE, this country has always been great and it has been great because of the people; our diversity and our unity.  To say otherwise is a slap in the face to EVERY American; even those chanting those exact words at political rallys.

A friend of mine said it so well--she feels betrayed by her country.  I do too.  I feel like it's a different place than it was on Monday.

I am trying to be hopeful, trying to understand.  I consider myself educated and informed and I am struggling.  I don't understand how he got elected and I don't understand how people think rioting in the streets will fix things.  Honestly, there are so many things I don't understand right now, I am beginning to think that chemo brain is back to stay!

 I have jotted some things down that have crossed my mind since Tues evening.  I know he hasn't asked for my advice but...

Dr Mr. Trump,

Tell me the truth, you were pretty surprised by this weren't you?

Congratulations.  You have no idea how hard that was for me because you see I don't think your are the right person for the job.  I had my doubts about your opponent as well.  Please spend the next 4 years proving me and millions of others wrong.

Be humble and kind when people don't agree with you and tell your supporters to do the same.
Be mindful that not everyone in the USA is a wealthy white male; as a matter of fact most of us aren't.
Be open to those who don't think like you; there are a lot of us.
Remember when repealing the Affordable Care Act, there are millions of us with pre-existing conditions and cannot afford out of pocket expenses in the millions and even the poorest people should have access to affordable healthcare.
Surround yourself with people who have ideas different from yours as well as those who are like minded. 
It's OK to ask for help, please don't try to bulldoze through every issue that crosses your desk in the next 4 years.
Please renounce the KKK's support of you.
Please build unity in this country instead of a wall.
Make good on your promise to create jobs
Make good on your promise to be a president for all, I have friends who are very afraid and there are people in this country who think hate and bullying and harassment are acceptable behavior because you won on Tuesday.
Your children say you are not like the persona you display, show us what your children see.
Rethink some of your positions on women, minorities and the LGBT community, they could use a tweaking.

The world is watching, Mr Trump.  Don't screw this up.  You are going to swear to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America...maybe give it a perusal before Jan 20th.

Signed,
A concerned American woman

I am going to fasten my seat and see what happens.  I know people were terrified the world would end in 2008 and it didn't.

Over It

Do you ever get to a point in your life when you are over it?

Don't get me wrong, I know I am lucky.  I have a good life, good family, good friends, good job.  I could go on and on.  But today I am over it.

I am over working at a job where I am over worked and under appreciated.

I am over my commute; even though it's only 9 miles.

I am over people who are not courteous drivers.

I am over not having time for regular exercise because of the above.

I am over being fat.

I am over the never ending project at work.

I am over the lack of communication.

I am over being lied to.

I am over being ignored.

I am over unreturned phone calls.

I am over the stress I feel when it's time for a scan.

I am over scans.

I am over making do.

I am over figuring everything out.

I am over being "on" ALL. THE. DAMN.TIME.

I would just like to be heard, understood and listened to before I evolve into a screaming lunatic!

Cut the Crap; We're Better than This

Why on Earth do people think they need to spew every drop of brain vomit they can conjure up?

Why do people keep creating new social media outlets for that to happen?

Honestly in the last 10 years or so, I have watched "society" devolve at such an alarming rate it is mind boggling.

Why does a celebrity need to weigh in on a terrorist attack via Twitter?  Of course they are saddened! I would question their humanity if they weren't.  Every time a terrorist attack happens the celebrity news outlets all post HUGE headlines with titles like ""CELEBS TWEET THEIR SUPPORT"  Wow, those 140 characters are really going to help the people bleeding on the streets in France or Turkey.  A real headline would be "JOE CELEBRITY DONATES FOOD, WATER AND MONEY TO FIRST RESPONDERS".

I have watched relationships fall apart over misunderstood conversations on Facebook.  I have watched INTELLIGENT people argue a point "because they read it on the internet" get shot down with reality again and again.  98% of what you see on the internet is false and I would fact check the remaining 2%

I cannot even tell you how many times I have simply checked facts and been able to debunk what others are spewing as gospel truth because someone tweeted it.  Or because someone said it out loud about someone they disliked and it got repeated.

EVERYONE has an opinion.  Well, everyone has an asshole too, doesn't mean you should share it or that anyone else on Earth has to agree with it or give a DAMN about it.  It's unfortunate but the internet has become a place where too many people have become comfortable shoving their opinions down the throats of others.  People are comfortable bullying and demeaning others from the comfort of their keyboard.  WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?  How many people think before they type furiously to get their OPINION out there for all the world to see...on the internet...where it is there FOREVER.

Now, I am not going to say that I am not a Facebook user, I am.  I have a Twitter handle.  I have an Instagram account.  There are days I feel like I am the only one who thinks before I post. Before anyone goes ballistic on that statement, please know that I am not referring to posts with fun kid pictures or animal pictures or anything like that.  I think you know what type of posts I am referring to...in 2016, after much domestic and international violence, an election year, etc.

I think...will my Mom cringe when she reads this?  I think...will someone be hurt by my words?  I think...why would anyone care about this but me.  I think...hmmm, this isn't very nice so maybe I am going to keep my mouth shut.  Don't get me wrong, I am as opinionated as the next person and I am passionate about many of my opinions.  But I also know everyone in  the world does not think like I do.  Not everyone in the US thinks like I do.  Not everyone in Illinois thinks like I do.  I am guessing not even everyone in my house thinks like I do.

And that's OK.

I don't think that everyone should agree with everything I post and I certainly do not bully them with the 100 reasons why I think they are wrong.  I don't belittle anyone for not thinking like I do.  Really what purpose does that serve?  Why don't leaders and wanna be leaders do this?  Why don't celebrities do this?  Why don't people who are supposed to be examples to OUR CHILDREN do this?  Why??

Because they have the anonymity of their keyboard.  I would bet that if asked, people who spew their brain vomit daily would admit to not having the guts to say what they say online to someone's face or in front of a live audience.  Why?

Because deep down an intelligent person knows it is wrong.

So think before you gripe and complain about the Lucas museum being built on Chicago's lake front unless perhaps it will render you homeless.

Think before you spew forth that any political figure is going to jail unless there has been an indictment, a trial, a verdict and a sentence; because unless you are some expert on law, chances are really good that you're going to get PROVEN wrong and people won't respect you or believe anything you say.

Think before shout the rally cry (Insert color here) LIVES MATTER.  ALL lives matter even if YOU may not like people of all colors.  I do and this is my blog.

Think before you shoot down things like the Affordable Care Act, same sex marriage, abortion rights, right to life.  I have asked people I thought were friends, point blank if they didn't like the Affordable Care Act because its biggest champion happened to be our first Black President.  I wasn't surprised when they couldn't give me a valid reason besides that.  Know also that the Affordable Care Act allowed me to have the very best chemo treatment without having to worry about losing my house.

It's time to cut the crap and use social media for real, intelligent conversation and debate about issues.  You are not better than me and I am not better than you.  There are scumbags in every race, religion, gender, sexual orientation...and on and on.

 Take responsibility for what you type, tweet and say because the brain vomit is teaching our children that HATE is OK, BULLYING is OK, KILLING PEOPLE is JUST PART OF REALITY, DIVISIVENESS IS ACCEPTABLE.

We as humans are better than that. It's time that the voice of eloquence, intelligence, decorum, kindness and REASON drowns out the voice of hate, greed, intolerance, and ignorance.

Breathe In Breathe Out

So, my oncologist said it's possible that I could have PTSD from my little health adventure.  I am not sure I agree with him.  I mean, I didn't fight in a war. Or did I?  I didn't almost die.  I am not a hero.  Still, there are times when fear paralyzes me.  When I flash back to a time in the hospital.  When I am reduced to the shakes and a feeling of dread.

I had a routine, non cancer related doctor's appointment today.  It was the first time I had been back to my GP's DesPlaines office since she sent me to the hospital and we know how that story shook out.  I got to the office this morning and was gripped by such a wave of anxiety, I was frozen in the front seat of my car...heart pounding, head spinning, words like "masses" and "biopsies" flopping around in my brain.  In all of my 48 years, I have never had a panic attack until today.  It was just a minute or two but it felt like an eternity.  I could feel my pulse pounding in my temples.

Just as quickly it passed...slowly, things started to refocus.  My pulse slowed...breathe in...I could hear the car radio again...breathe out...just a check up...breathe in...feeling great...breathe out...need my umbrella...breathe in...suite 310...breathe out...update personal info at the desk...breathe in...pay my co-pay breathe out...I kept at it until the nurse called me back.  BP 119/78...breathe in...breathe out.

When I do my breathing exercises, I go to my safe place...a hammock, on the deck, on a summer day, with a lake breeze.  It smells like pine, food on a grill and sunscreen.

Is it PTSD?  I don't know.  I have to see my GP again in November.  I made an appointment for the same office as today.  I need to conquer the anxiety...from my hammock by the lake...breathe in...breathe out.

Be Present

Watch this video. Copy and paste the link into your browser.

https://www.facebook.com/FOXSports1/videos/931031173689005/

For those of you that are not NASCAR fans, Sherry Pollex is the girlfriend of NASCAR driver Martin Truex Jr.  She was diagnosed in 2014 with ovarian cancer.  She endured over a year of grueling treatment.  She is healthy now.

I followed Sherry and Martin's journey before I was sick and during my treatment.  Sherry seemed to handle things with such beauty and grace.  When I would see her on TV, I had a little insight of where she was at with treatment based on how she looked.  There is only so much makeup can cover when you're battling cancer and the poison you're putting in your body to kill the cancer.  I know the look when you're smiling but in your mind you're counting the seconds until you can collapsed on a couch for a nap.

 I prayed for her recovery as well as my own.

Last Sept at Chicagoland Speedway, I yelled to Martin on the red carpet that we were praying for Sherry's recovery.  He stopped in the midst of signing autographs and said "thank you" in my direction.  He didn't know who had yelled but in a crowd of fans he took a second to acknowledge a kindness.  He was human.  He wasn't a super hero piloting a 3500lb vehicle into a turn 3 wide at 210mph.  He was a man, who had a loved one battling an insidious disease.

When we went to Daytona in February, I was rooting for Martin and listened in to his radio transmissions during the race.  He lost that race by 4 inches.  In May, NASCAR races a 600 miler at Charlotte.  Martin won it leading 392 of 400 laps...sheer domination.  Tears streamed down my face as the camera followed Sherry in the closing laps and then when they met in Victory Circle. 

Victory...you won the race.  You won the battle.  So did I.

Something Sherry said in the interview struck such a chord with me, she credited Steve Byrnes with her mantra. 

"Be present"

 Steve Byrnes was a broadcaster for Fox Sports who sadly passed from head and neck cancer last April.  I followed him on Twitter during our battles and he was in my prayers as well.

When I visited my oncologist last June before returning to my office to work, he told me to go out an enjoy life.  He was telling me to be present.  I find that I notice things more than I did before.  The sky isn't just blue on a beautiful day, it's cobalt or cerulean or azure.  The grass isn't just green, it's avocado, fern, or moss. Not everyone is lucky enough to see the distinctions.  How many people never look up from their phone or computer to even notice.

Be present.

Listen to a child's laughter...the sound of a bird.
Look for fireflies, four leaf clovers.
Smell fresh baked cookies, the woods after a rain.

Toward the end of the interview, Sherry talks about how your perspective changes when you get cancer.  I talked about it a bit in this blog.  It may sound trite but it's true.

It's too bad it takes a life threatening diagnosis to adjust perspective for some people.  Every day is a gift.  We just need to be present to realize it and enjoy it.