Lay down, pull the covers up...settle my head on the pillow and there it goes...
did I send that email?
where are my keys"
did I lock the garage?
is the kitchen window open?
did I feed the dog?
did I send that report?
why is my calf cramping?
it's warm in here.
warm summer nights at the beach
bonfires
did someone bring the bug spray?
where are the marshmallows?
is that meeting Tuesday or Wednesday?
am I ever going to sleep?
When I was going through chemo, part of the regimen included prednisone. Anyone reading this who has taking prednisone knows that it makes you a little crazy. It gave me so much energy. BUT, it also made my brain spin in overdrive. Often, when trying to drift off to sleep, it was as if 20 people were all trying to talk to me at once.
I have a recollection of a night that I decided to sleep on the couch in the family room to give Chris half a chance to sleep because while my brain spun wildly, I also had a difficult time staying comfortable and I was constantly flipping my pillow to the cooler side. I found that I often fell asleep better if I had something to distract my brain so I left the TV on. The Food Network was always a reasonable choice.
Ace of Cakes was on many nights during the overnight hours.
roll the fondant.
modeling chocolate bugs?
pharmaceutical commercials
edible palm trees
is Bobby Flay on every show on the Food Network?
Eventually my brain would settle down and I would get some sleep...often with Duff Goldman appearing in my dreams.
There were usually 5 days around my infusion when my brain on prednisone would be completely crazy. Ironically, cancer makes you tired, and often your chemo regimen makes you tired. I remember being bone tired and yet completely unable to sleep. After one treatment, I cleaned the cabinets in my kitchen because I had that much nervous energy.
My mantra became, "Relax, Rest, Recover" and some nights I literally said those words over and over until I fell asleep.
is the dog in or out?
did I turn off the oven?
check the clock
what was the deadline on the budgets?
is that appointment Wednesday?
who is coming with me?
when does baseball start?
is that a draft on my bald head?
i have a taste for mushroom risotto
last day for this batch of prednisone is tomorrow.
Maybe Sunday night I'll sleep.
Friday, June 28, 2019
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
I Hope You Never...
I hope you never have to make the decision that Oscar Alberto Martinez Ramirez had to make last weekend.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2019/06/26/father-daughter-who-drowned-border-dove-into-river-desperation/?fbclid=IwAR2nLzXXw82HumCOR4NG65vB1aXO6UMDyptGRjU9LjSoGHUqyLOChKFyUec&utm_term=.a509922a875e
I hope you never have to leave the place you live and move to a foreign country to escape poverty, violence, or both.
I hope you never have to walk thousands of miles in search of a better life for your family.
I hope you never have to make a decision to swim to safety and asylum.
I hope you're never in a situation when you are separated from your children needlessly.
For those of you still saying migrants shouldn't come, I hope you are never in the situations chronicled above. If you aren't, you're lucky. Lucky that you were born in the USA.
These migrants aren't coming here to take your jobs. To those of you claiming this, do you pick produce for a living? Do you clean hotel rooms? Do you bus tables in a diner? I am guessing not. The vast majority of the migrants aren't criminals. They are people wanting a better life than what their country affords them. They don't want their children kidnapped...or worse. They don't want to pay protection money to the local gangs in their country.
To those Americans protesting the loudest over the crisis at the border...what does your god say about those in need? I know he DOESN'T say, "Just help those who are white, or rich or whatever". Those in this country who revere our idiot president and his gang of criminals and claim to be Christians: You're frauds, every last one of you. I would rather have 20 Oscar Alberto Martinez Ramirezes than any ONE of you.
I am not suggesting opening the borders; that is absurd. But what is happening at our southern border is criminal. The United States is a first world country and we are treating human beings like garbage. Where is the outrage from pro-lifers? Where is the outrage from anyone who has a family and a heart?
"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
THIS is what America is all about. THIS is what makes America great.
America was great before the idiot in the white house had red hats made (by people in a Chinese factory, no less) Wonder if those hats are affected by his tariffs?
When this joke of a presidency is over and the history books are written, I would venture to say that there will not be kind words for the 45th president of the United States. I am sure he will find it unfair, even if it is 100% accurate.
I hope we never have another presidency like this one, in my lifetime.
Read the whole article in the link above. This is bigger and so much more important than kneeling for the anthem.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/2019/06/26/father-daughter-who-drowned-border-dove-into-river-desperation/?fbclid=IwAR2nLzXXw82HumCOR4NG65vB1aXO6UMDyptGRjU9LjSoGHUqyLOChKFyUec&utm_term=.a509922a875e
I hope you never have to leave the place you live and move to a foreign country to escape poverty, violence, or both.
I hope you never have to walk thousands of miles in search of a better life for your family.
I hope you never have to make a decision to swim to safety and asylum.
I hope you're never in a situation when you are separated from your children needlessly.
For those of you still saying migrants shouldn't come, I hope you are never in the situations chronicled above. If you aren't, you're lucky. Lucky that you were born in the USA.
These migrants aren't coming here to take your jobs. To those of you claiming this, do you pick produce for a living? Do you clean hotel rooms? Do you bus tables in a diner? I am guessing not. The vast majority of the migrants aren't criminals. They are people wanting a better life than what their country affords them. They don't want their children kidnapped...or worse. They don't want to pay protection money to the local gangs in their country.
To those Americans protesting the loudest over the crisis at the border...what does your god say about those in need? I know he DOESN'T say, "Just help those who are white, or rich or whatever". Those in this country who revere our idiot president and his gang of criminals and claim to be Christians: You're frauds, every last one of you. I would rather have 20 Oscar Alberto Martinez Ramirezes than any ONE of you.
I am not suggesting opening the borders; that is absurd. But what is happening at our southern border is criminal. The United States is a first world country and we are treating human beings like garbage. Where is the outrage from pro-lifers? Where is the outrage from anyone who has a family and a heart?
"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
THIS is what America is all about. THIS is what makes America great.
America was great before the idiot in the white house had red hats made (by people in a Chinese factory, no less) Wonder if those hats are affected by his tariffs?
When this joke of a presidency is over and the history books are written, I would venture to say that there will not be kind words for the 45th president of the United States. I am sure he will find it unfair, even if it is 100% accurate.
I hope we never have another presidency like this one, in my lifetime.
Read the whole article in the link above. This is bigger and so much more important than kneeling for the anthem.
Sunday, June 16, 2019
You Don’t Know What It’s Like
Take a look at the video below.
https://www.ispot.tv/ad/oLht/facebook-groups-her-first-baseball-game-song-by-bee-gees
This commercial has been on TV for a while. The first thing that caught my attention was the song. It’s one of my favorite BeeGees songs. It was probably the 3rd or 4th time I heard the commithat I actually stopped and watched it.
I was immediately taken to Sunday afternoons at Sox Park with my Dad in the 70s. Back when Sunday double headers were scheduled. Our school had a program where you earned tickets through good grades or perfect attendance. I chose the Sunday double headers. The sun splashed Sundays, the railings with 34567 coats of paint in that old ball park, parking by the railroad tracks, the scent of hot dogs, onions, cotton candy, the taste of Cracker Jack and wishing the toy in the box to be tattoos.
The commercial made me miss those days. My Dad took me to ball games before FACEBOOK made a group about it.
On this Father’s Day, I have many friends, like myself who are missing their Dads today. For those of you who still have your Dads...if you haven’t already, call them. Tell them you love them. Reminisce about when you were a kid.
You don’t know what it’s like, you don’t know what it’s like, to love somebody, to love somebody, the way I love you.
Happy Father’s Day
https://www.ispot.tv/ad/oLht/facebook-groups-her-first-baseball-game-song-by-bee-gees
This commercial has been on TV for a while. The first thing that caught my attention was the song. It’s one of my favorite BeeGees songs. It was probably the 3rd or 4th time I heard the commithat I actually stopped and watched it.
I was immediately taken to Sunday afternoons at Sox Park with my Dad in the 70s. Back when Sunday double headers were scheduled. Our school had a program where you earned tickets through good grades or perfect attendance. I chose the Sunday double headers. The sun splashed Sundays, the railings with 34567 coats of paint in that old ball park, parking by the railroad tracks, the scent of hot dogs, onions, cotton candy, the taste of Cracker Jack and wishing the toy in the box to be tattoos.
The commercial made me miss those days. My Dad took me to ball games before FACEBOOK made a group about it.
On this Father’s Day, I have many friends, like myself who are missing their Dads today. For those of you who still have your Dads...if you haven’t already, call them. Tell them you love them. Reminisce about when you were a kid.
You don’t know what it’s like, you don’t know what it’s like, to love somebody, to love somebody, the way I love you.
Happy Father’s Day
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Maybe you're not as Pro Life as you think...
So before I go off on a rant for a Wednesday, I want to start by saying I consider myself to be pro life...in sense that I am NOT pro abortion. However, more importantly, I am PRO CHOICE because quite frankly what another woman (any woman) does with her body is NONE OF MY BUSINESS and it's NONE OF YOURS.
Does that make me less of a Christian than someone who wants to defund Planned Parenthood or who votes under the cover of darkness to take women's rights away? On the contrary. A lot of these so called "Christians" have no plans to take care of the fetuses they are saving when they become actual impoverished children; especially if they aren't white. A lot of them also balk when there is talk of gun control after another school shooting.
So here's what I think...you're not truly pro-life, if you're only concerned about life at conception. It's kind of like adopting a dog or cat; it's a lifetime commitment. You're not truly pro-life if you're not concerned about the children living in poverty in your own town, or the children living in a migrant detention camp; with our without their parents.You're not truly pro-life if you are more concerned about your guns than you are about a child gunned down in their classroom. You don't get to be a pick and choose Christian; you're either all in or you're not. I am not asking pro-life "Christians" to stop believing what they believe; just be cognizant and accepting of the people in the world that don't think like you do.
Your god is.
Does that make me less of a Christian than someone who wants to defund Planned Parenthood or who votes under the cover of darkness to take women's rights away? On the contrary. A lot of these so called "Christians" have no plans to take care of the fetuses they are saving when they become actual impoverished children; especially if they aren't white. A lot of them also balk when there is talk of gun control after another school shooting.
So here's what I think...you're not truly pro-life, if you're only concerned about life at conception. It's kind of like adopting a dog or cat; it's a lifetime commitment. You're not truly pro-life if you're not concerned about the children living in poverty in your own town, or the children living in a migrant detention camp; with our without their parents.You're not truly pro-life if you are more concerned about your guns than you are about a child gunned down in their classroom. You don't get to be a pick and choose Christian; you're either all in or you're not. I am not asking pro-life "Christians" to stop believing what they believe; just be cognizant and accepting of the people in the world that don't think like you do.
Your god is.
Thursday, April 25, 2019
A Disgrace
So I was walking outside on a lovely spring afternoon recently. For those that don't know, I live in the shadow of the second largest (at least I think it's still second) airport. I have always been fascinated by aviation. It astounds me that something as heavy as a fully loaded airplane soars like a beautiful shiny bird.
When I was a kid, I could tell you what kind of plane was flying overhead and knew the logos of many many airlines.
I have seen Air Force One arrive and depart O'Hare on multiple occasions...with several different Presidents on board and it always made me stand a little taller and be a little prouder to be an American; regardless of who was President. It literally had nothing to do with whether or not I agreed with the political leanings of the person on the plane.
It was because of what the office of the President stood for.
I can honestly say, I would not feel the same way if I saw Air Force One during the current presidency and again it has very little to do with the political leanings of POTUS45.
You see, I don't identify as Democrat or Republican. I find some current members of both parties to be repugnant and others I like just fine. I think some that have been around forever should probably retire and I think some who are brand new should maybe learn the ropes a little bit and not rely on their "rockstar" status.
POTUS45 is...well, let me state it in a word he will understand...a disgrace.
A disgrace as a human, a husband, a businessman, a father, a president, how much time do you have? He's not a good example of any of those things. He is currently profiting on the backs of the people he is sworn to serve as he trots off to golf just about every other week. He lies; remember he swore he wasn't going to vacation as much as the previous President...I call BULLSHIT. He lies about stupid things that can easily be proven to be lies. I am fairly certain he thinks his followers are stupid. They’d have to be to believe what comes out of his mouth.
He has tarnished the office of the president; he is a laughingstock worldwide. He doesn't speak in coherent sentences; let me repeat that, the man who possesses the nuclear codes CANNOT SPEAK IN A COMPLETE COHERENT SENTENCE.
People that I consider to be sane and logical turn a blind eye while this pathetic excuse for a commander in chief fumbles his way through life...regularly attempting obstruction of justice, hiring his daughter whose company was sued repeatedly for knocking off patented products with her “company” as a “senior advisor”. The White House is a freaking circus. POTUS45 tweets petty insults, shirks responsibility, and acts like a 12 year old (my sincerest apologies to the 12 year olds I have insulted). Then he blames mainstream media. Grow thicker skin old man. Mainstream media roasted Barack Obama for wearing a brown suit. You’re going to get roasted and ridiculed and mocked for your daily antics.
I tried having an open mind...I didn’t want the pilot to crash the plane. POTUS45 has been far worse than I feared
So, no, I won’t stand a little taller if I see Air Force One in the next 21 months...the office of the president is currently a sham and not deserving of respect.
When I was a kid, I could tell you what kind of plane was flying overhead and knew the logos of many many airlines.
I have seen Air Force One arrive and depart O'Hare on multiple occasions...with several different Presidents on board and it always made me stand a little taller and be a little prouder to be an American; regardless of who was President. It literally had nothing to do with whether or not I agreed with the political leanings of the person on the plane.
It was because of what the office of the President stood for.
I can honestly say, I would not feel the same way if I saw Air Force One during the current presidency and again it has very little to do with the political leanings of POTUS45.
You see, I don't identify as Democrat or Republican. I find some current members of both parties to be repugnant and others I like just fine. I think some that have been around forever should probably retire and I think some who are brand new should maybe learn the ropes a little bit and not rely on their "rockstar" status.
POTUS45 is...well, let me state it in a word he will understand...a disgrace.
A disgrace as a human, a husband, a businessman, a father, a president, how much time do you have? He's not a good example of any of those things. He is currently profiting on the backs of the people he is sworn to serve as he trots off to golf just about every other week. He lies; remember he swore he wasn't going to vacation as much as the previous President...I call BULLSHIT. He lies about stupid things that can easily be proven to be lies. I am fairly certain he thinks his followers are stupid. They’d have to be to believe what comes out of his mouth.
He has tarnished the office of the president; he is a laughingstock worldwide. He doesn't speak in coherent sentences; let me repeat that, the man who possesses the nuclear codes CANNOT SPEAK IN A COMPLETE COHERENT SENTENCE.
People that I consider to be sane and logical turn a blind eye while this pathetic excuse for a commander in chief fumbles his way through life...regularly attempting obstruction of justice, hiring his daughter whose company was sued repeatedly for knocking off patented products with her “company” as a “senior advisor”. The White House is a freaking circus. POTUS45 tweets petty insults, shirks responsibility, and acts like a 12 year old (my sincerest apologies to the 12 year olds I have insulted). Then he blames mainstream media. Grow thicker skin old man. Mainstream media roasted Barack Obama for wearing a brown suit. You’re going to get roasted and ridiculed and mocked for your daily antics.
I tried having an open mind...I didn’t want the pilot to crash the plane. POTUS45 has been far worse than I feared
So, no, I won’t stand a little taller if I see Air Force One in the next 21 months...the office of the president is currently a sham and not deserving of respect.
Thursday, February 21, 2019
Stop Giving Him What He Wants
By now just about everyone everywhere is aware of the Jussie Smollett situation...unless you have lived under a rock since the end of January.
Something about his story rubbed me the wrong way from day 1 but I tried not to be judgemental. After all, why would he lie?? After all, we live in a world that is far more racist and homophobic than I used to think possible. Still, if anyone living in Chicago on January 29th remembers, it was STUPID COLD here then. What idiot is going to walk to a Subway in the middle of the night?? Oh, wait...
But here is the thing...the alleged "attack" was staged for attention. That fact that it now appears to be completely false does a huge disservice to the Black community, the LGBTQ community, and the reputation of the city of Chicago. Stop giving the person at the center of this scandal the attention. That is what he craves.
Racism exists
Homophobia exists
Some would say that they are more prominent now than they were (pick a number of years) ago. Some would say that the current president and his rhetoric encourages both. We could debate on that until the end of time.
The fact of the matter is, I wanted it (or some version of it) to be true because I knew how awful it would be if it wasn't. I knew that in the world we live in today, everyone has to be on one side or the other. There can never just be middle ground. Everything has to be a confrontation.
I am a self admitted news junkie so between what I watch and read, let's just say that I have seen and heard more about Jussie Smollett since January 29th than I want to talk about. If everything that is currently being speculated is true, he deserves not ONE MORE SECOND of anyone's time. The outcome of his trial should be a one liner buried in the entertainment section of a newspaper and a tiny snippet in the crawl on a TV newscast. Stop showing his photo, stop tweeting about him, just stop giving him what he wants.
There are so many more things that deserve the attention...the baby that was shot in the head in a car in Chicago around the same time...the fact that the 45th president plays fast and loose with the Constitution on a daily basis, the fact that gun violence is rampant, the fact that people are attacked for being different, the fact that celebrities are too often revered for nothing more than being famous, the fact that real people have been and will be hurt because of a stupid, arrogant "plot" executed for attention or whatever the excuse will be.
This is why people don't come forward...whether it be for an attack similar to what was portrayed in Chicago in January or countless other attacks; be it physical, emotional, sexual. Because at some point someone made up a story...and people became cynical. Now if something similar happens for real, the victim will be questioned. That's not a path we should go down; stop giving him what he wants.
Something about his story rubbed me the wrong way from day 1 but I tried not to be judgemental. After all, why would he lie?? After all, we live in a world that is far more racist and homophobic than I used to think possible. Still, if anyone living in Chicago on January 29th remembers, it was STUPID COLD here then. What idiot is going to walk to a Subway in the middle of the night?? Oh, wait...
But here is the thing...the alleged "attack" was staged for attention. That fact that it now appears to be completely false does a huge disservice to the Black community, the LGBTQ community, and the reputation of the city of Chicago. Stop giving the person at the center of this scandal the attention. That is what he craves.
Racism exists
Homophobia exists
Some would say that they are more prominent now than they were (pick a number of years) ago. Some would say that the current president and his rhetoric encourages both. We could debate on that until the end of time.
The fact of the matter is, I wanted it (or some version of it) to be true because I knew how awful it would be if it wasn't. I knew that in the world we live in today, everyone has to be on one side or the other. There can never just be middle ground. Everything has to be a confrontation.
I am a self admitted news junkie so between what I watch and read, let's just say that I have seen and heard more about Jussie Smollett since January 29th than I want to talk about. If everything that is currently being speculated is true, he deserves not ONE MORE SECOND of anyone's time. The outcome of his trial should be a one liner buried in the entertainment section of a newspaper and a tiny snippet in the crawl on a TV newscast. Stop showing his photo, stop tweeting about him, just stop giving him what he wants.
There are so many more things that deserve the attention...the baby that was shot in the head in a car in Chicago around the same time...the fact that the 45th president plays fast and loose with the Constitution on a daily basis, the fact that gun violence is rampant, the fact that people are attacked for being different, the fact that celebrities are too often revered for nothing more than being famous, the fact that real people have been and will be hurt because of a stupid, arrogant "plot" executed for attention or whatever the excuse will be.
This is why people don't come forward...whether it be for an attack similar to what was portrayed in Chicago in January or countless other attacks; be it physical, emotional, sexual. Because at some point someone made up a story...and people became cynical. Now if something similar happens for real, the victim will be questioned. That's not a path we should go down; stop giving him what he wants.
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Signs
I believe in signs.
7 days after my Dad passed in 1990, we had a huge blizzard in Chicago. It was the first time I had driven in significant snow. I felt my Dad with me the whole way home from DePaul University’s Lincoln Park campus.
A few days ago on the anniversary of my Dad’s death, the first FB post I saw that day was from my Dad’s favorite place on Earth...coincidence? I doubt it.
A few days after my cancer diagnosis, I was driving to work and Don’t Stop Believing came on the radio. Journey was my favorite group growing up. It was also the playoff themes when my beloved White Sox won the World Series in 2005. That song became my fight song and continues to be my Relay for Life team name.
I am a big NASCAR fan. I was supposed to go to the Daytona 500 a few weeks after my diagnosis. Flying is not recommended for chemo patients so we postponed the trip. When we went to Daytona in 2016, there were signs everywhere. Even though my Dad had been gone 26 years, he was at Daytona with me. I could feel it.
About a month ago, a man by the name of J.D. Gibbs passed away from a degenerative brain disease at the age of 49. J.D. was the son of Coach Joe Gibbs, former coach of the Washington Redskins and cofounder of Joe Gibbs Racing. Coach Gibbs has had competitive race teams in NASCAR for many years. J.D. confounded JGR with his Dad and was President of the company until 2015 when he got his diagnosis. J.D. played football...much has been discussed about football and brain injuries. When he played football, he wore #11.
Today was the 61st running of the Daytona 500. During pre-race shows, Fox Sports did a piece on J.D. Gibbs. It brought me to tears more than once. The JGR teams stood on the pit stall walls during lap 11 in tribute. Today’s race was eventful for sure with several late wrecks taking out a chunk of the field. As darkness fell on Daytona International Speedway, the #11 car crossed the finish line under a waving checkered flag. Coach Gibbs in a post race interview said J.D. had the best view of today’s race from heaven. He sure did, Coach. He sure did.
Coincidence? I doubt it.
7 days after my Dad passed in 1990, we had a huge blizzard in Chicago. It was the first time I had driven in significant snow. I felt my Dad with me the whole way home from DePaul University’s Lincoln Park campus.
A few days ago on the anniversary of my Dad’s death, the first FB post I saw that day was from my Dad’s favorite place on Earth...coincidence? I doubt it.
A few days after my cancer diagnosis, I was driving to work and Don’t Stop Believing came on the radio. Journey was my favorite group growing up. It was also the playoff themes when my beloved White Sox won the World Series in 2005. That song became my fight song and continues to be my Relay for Life team name.
I am a big NASCAR fan. I was supposed to go to the Daytona 500 a few weeks after my diagnosis. Flying is not recommended for chemo patients so we postponed the trip. When we went to Daytona in 2016, there were signs everywhere. Even though my Dad had been gone 26 years, he was at Daytona with me. I could feel it.
About a month ago, a man by the name of J.D. Gibbs passed away from a degenerative brain disease at the age of 49. J.D. was the son of Coach Joe Gibbs, former coach of the Washington Redskins and cofounder of Joe Gibbs Racing. Coach Gibbs has had competitive race teams in NASCAR for many years. J.D. confounded JGR with his Dad and was President of the company until 2015 when he got his diagnosis. J.D. played football...much has been discussed about football and brain injuries. When he played football, he wore #11.
Today was the 61st running of the Daytona 500. During pre-race shows, Fox Sports did a piece on J.D. Gibbs. It brought me to tears more than once. The JGR teams stood on the pit stall walls during lap 11 in tribute. Today’s race was eventful for sure with several late wrecks taking out a chunk of the field. As darkness fell on Daytona International Speedway, the #11 car crossed the finish line under a waving checkered flag. Coach Gibbs in a post race interview said J.D. had the best view of today’s race from heaven. He sure did, Coach. He sure did.
Coincidence? I doubt it.
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