Over It

Do you ever get to a point in your life when you are over it?

Don't get me wrong, I know I am lucky.  I have a good life, good family, good friends, good job.  I could go on and on.  But today I am over it.

I am over working at a job where I am over worked and under appreciated.

I am over my commute; even though it's only 9 miles.

I am over people who are not courteous drivers.

I am over not having time for regular exercise because of the above.

I am over being fat.

I am over the never ending project at work.

I am over the lack of communication.

I am over being lied to.

I am over being ignored.

I am over unreturned phone calls.

I am over the stress I feel when it's time for a scan.

I am over scans.

I am over making do.

I am over figuring everything out.

I am over being "on" ALL. THE. DAMN.TIME.

I would just like to be heard, understood and listened to before I evolve into a screaming lunatic!

Cut the Crap; We're Better than This

Why on Earth do people think they need to spew every drop of brain vomit they can conjure up?

Why do people keep creating new social media outlets for that to happen?

Honestly in the last 10 years or so, I have watched "society" devolve at such an alarming rate it is mind boggling.

Why does a celebrity need to weigh in on a terrorist attack via Twitter?  Of course they are saddened! I would question their humanity if they weren't.  Every time a terrorist attack happens the celebrity news outlets all post HUGE headlines with titles like ""CELEBS TWEET THEIR SUPPORT"  Wow, those 140 characters are really going to help the people bleeding on the streets in France or Turkey.  A real headline would be "JOE CELEBRITY DONATES FOOD, WATER AND MONEY TO FIRST RESPONDERS".

I have watched relationships fall apart over misunderstood conversations on Facebook.  I have watched INTELLIGENT people argue a point "because they read it on the internet" get shot down with reality again and again.  98% of what you see on the internet is false and I would fact check the remaining 2%

I cannot even tell you how many times I have simply checked facts and been able to debunk what others are spewing as gospel truth because someone tweeted it.  Or because someone said it out loud about someone they disliked and it got repeated.

EVERYONE has an opinion.  Well, everyone has an asshole too, doesn't mean you should share it or that anyone else on Earth has to agree with it or give a DAMN about it.  It's unfortunate but the internet has become a place where too many people have become comfortable shoving their opinions down the throats of others.  People are comfortable bullying and demeaning others from the comfort of their keyboard.  WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?  How many people think before they type furiously to get their OPINION out there for all the world to see...on the internet...where it is there FOREVER.

Now, I am not going to say that I am not a Facebook user, I am.  I have a Twitter handle.  I have an Instagram account.  There are days I feel like I am the only one who thinks before I post. Before anyone goes ballistic on that statement, please know that I am not referring to posts with fun kid pictures or animal pictures or anything like that.  I think you know what type of posts I am referring to...in 2016, after much domestic and international violence, an election year, etc.

I think...will my Mom cringe when she reads this?  I think...will someone be hurt by my words?  I think...why would anyone care about this but me.  I think...hmmm, this isn't very nice so maybe I am going to keep my mouth shut.  Don't get me wrong, I am as opinionated as the next person and I am passionate about many of my opinions.  But I also know everyone in  the world does not think like I do.  Not everyone in the US thinks like I do.  Not everyone in Illinois thinks like I do.  I am guessing not even everyone in my house thinks like I do.

And that's OK.

I don't think that everyone should agree with everything I post and I certainly do not bully them with the 100 reasons why I think they are wrong.  I don't belittle anyone for not thinking like I do.  Really what purpose does that serve?  Why don't leaders and wanna be leaders do this?  Why don't celebrities do this?  Why don't people who are supposed to be examples to OUR CHILDREN do this?  Why??

Because they have the anonymity of their keyboard.  I would bet that if asked, people who spew their brain vomit daily would admit to not having the guts to say what they say online to someone's face or in front of a live audience.  Why?

Because deep down an intelligent person knows it is wrong.

So think before you gripe and complain about the Lucas museum being built on Chicago's lake front unless perhaps it will render you homeless.

Think before you spew forth that any political figure is going to jail unless there has been an indictment, a trial, a verdict and a sentence; because unless you are some expert on law, chances are really good that you're going to get PROVEN wrong and people won't respect you or believe anything you say.

Think before shout the rally cry (Insert color here) LIVES MATTER.  ALL lives matter even if YOU may not like people of all colors.  I do and this is my blog.

Think before you shoot down things like the Affordable Care Act, same sex marriage, abortion rights, right to life.  I have asked people I thought were friends, point blank if they didn't like the Affordable Care Act because its biggest champion happened to be our first Black President.  I wasn't surprised when they couldn't give me a valid reason besides that.  Know also that the Affordable Care Act allowed me to have the very best chemo treatment without having to worry about losing my house.

It's time to cut the crap and use social media for real, intelligent conversation and debate about issues.  You are not better than me and I am not better than you.  There are scumbags in every race, religion, gender, sexual orientation...and on and on.

 Take responsibility for what you type, tweet and say because the brain vomit is teaching our children that HATE is OK, BULLYING is OK, KILLING PEOPLE is JUST PART OF REALITY, DIVISIVENESS IS ACCEPTABLE.

We as humans are better than that. It's time that the voice of eloquence, intelligence, decorum, kindness and REASON drowns out the voice of hate, greed, intolerance, and ignorance.

Breathe In Breathe Out

So, my oncologist said it's possible that I could have PTSD from my little health adventure.  I am not sure I agree with him.  I mean, I didn't fight in a war. Or did I?  I didn't almost die.  I am not a hero.  Still, there are times when fear paralyzes me.  When I flash back to a time in the hospital.  When I am reduced to the shakes and a feeling of dread.

I had a routine, non cancer related doctor's appointment today.  It was the first time I had been back to my GP's DesPlaines office since she sent me to the hospital and we know how that story shook out.  I got to the office this morning and was gripped by such a wave of anxiety, I was frozen in the front seat of my car...heart pounding, head spinning, words like "masses" and "biopsies" flopping around in my brain.  In all of my 48 years, I have never had a panic attack until today.  It was just a minute or two but it felt like an eternity.  I could feel my pulse pounding in my temples.

Just as quickly it passed...slowly, things started to refocus.  My pulse slowed...breathe in...I could hear the car radio again...breathe out...just a check up...breathe in...feeling great...breathe out...need my umbrella...breathe in...suite 310...breathe out...update personal info at the desk...breathe in...pay my co-pay breathe out...I kept at it until the nurse called me back.  BP 119/78...breathe in...breathe out.

When I do my breathing exercises, I go to my safe place...a hammock, on the deck, on a summer day, with a lake breeze.  It smells like pine, food on a grill and sunscreen.

Is it PTSD?  I don't know.  I have to see my GP again in November.  I made an appointment for the same office as today.  I need to conquer the anxiety...from my hammock by the lake...breathe in...breathe out.

Be Present

Watch this video. Copy and paste the link into your browser.

https://www.facebook.com/FOXSports1/videos/931031173689005/

For those of you that are not NASCAR fans, Sherry Pollex is the girlfriend of NASCAR driver Martin Truex Jr.  She was diagnosed in 2014 with ovarian cancer.  She endured over a year of grueling treatment.  She is healthy now.

I followed Sherry and Martin's journey before I was sick and during my treatment.  Sherry seemed to handle things with such beauty and grace.  When I would see her on TV, I had a little insight of where she was at with treatment based on how she looked.  There is only so much makeup can cover when you're battling cancer and the poison you're putting in your body to kill the cancer.  I know the look when you're smiling but in your mind you're counting the seconds until you can collapsed on a couch for a nap.

 I prayed for her recovery as well as my own.

Last Sept at Chicagoland Speedway, I yelled to Martin on the red carpet that we were praying for Sherry's recovery.  He stopped in the midst of signing autographs and said "thank you" in my direction.  He didn't know who had yelled but in a crowd of fans he took a second to acknowledge a kindness.  He was human.  He wasn't a super hero piloting a 3500lb vehicle into a turn 3 wide at 210mph.  He was a man, who had a loved one battling an insidious disease.

When we went to Daytona in February, I was rooting for Martin and listened in to his radio transmissions during the race.  He lost that race by 4 inches.  In May, NASCAR races a 600 miler at Charlotte.  Martin won it leading 392 of 400 laps...sheer domination.  Tears streamed down my face as the camera followed Sherry in the closing laps and then when they met in Victory Circle. 

Victory...you won the race.  You won the battle.  So did I.

Something Sherry said in the interview struck such a chord with me, she credited Steve Byrnes with her mantra. 

"Be present"

 Steve Byrnes was a broadcaster for Fox Sports who sadly passed from head and neck cancer last April.  I followed him on Twitter during our battles and he was in my prayers as well.

When I visited my oncologist last June before returning to my office to work, he told me to go out an enjoy life.  He was telling me to be present.  I find that I notice things more than I did before.  The sky isn't just blue on a beautiful day, it's cobalt or cerulean or azure.  The grass isn't just green, it's avocado, fern, or moss. Not everyone is lucky enough to see the distinctions.  How many people never look up from their phone or computer to even notice.

Be present.

Listen to a child's laughter...the sound of a bird.
Look for fireflies, four leaf clovers.
Smell fresh baked cookies, the woods after a rain.

Toward the end of the interview, Sherry talks about how your perspective changes when you get cancer.  I talked about it a bit in this blog.  It may sound trite but it's true.

It's too bad it takes a life threatening diagnosis to adjust perspective for some people.  Every day is a gift.  We just need to be present to realize it and enjoy it.

Enough Already

I am going to stray a bit from my normal topics here to get a few things off my chest. 

Based on the events in Orlando, FL, I feel the need to say a few things out loud here on the internet.  I am sad about what happened.  I am angry about what happened.  I am stunned that things like this keep happening and the lawmakers of the US are too busy arguing with each other and cashing checks from the gun lobby to do anything about it.

We have a candidate for President who wants the current President to step down because of how he described the tragedy that occurred yesterday.  Really??  I honestly want to know why a presidential candidate needs to weigh in on what happened yesterday with anything other than, "My heart goes out to the victims and their families."  Trust me no one wants to hear how you would handle this if you were President.  Hopefully the people of the US will never have to worry about YOU being President because 50 people dying in a night club on Latin night will be the very LEAST of our problems if YOU are elected President.

But let's get back to what happened.  An unstable wife beater with a history of shady remarks regarding terrorism and ISIS, who was investigated by the FBI twice was able to LEGALLY buy an assault weapon and mow down 49 people in a night club.  In what alternative universe is this OK?

Now I know that I have friends and acquaintances that want the constitutional right to bear arms.  I get that.  The Constitutional was written a couple hundred years ago.  It does NOT cover assault rifles.  Some may say they are gun collectors and that is why they NEED an assault rifle.  OK, then you'll be OK with waiting a few days/weeks/months, however long it takes authorities to confirm that you are not clinically insane, a convicted felon, a closet terrorist, some combination of those three or someone who might just be THISCLOSE to snapping because they saw two boys kissing or because the sun rose in the East today.  If you really and truly are going to keep it in a lovely cherry gun case and take it out periodically to blow the hell out of pop cans in a remote field somewhere, YOU WILL BE WILLING TO WAIT.  Otherwise I question your need for an assault rifle.

Anyone reading this who wants to tell me I am wrong, I make one request of you.  Look at this situation as if it was your child killed in Orlando; their body riddled with the 30 bullets than an assault rifle can fire off in the blink of an eye.  If you still think I am wrong, I question what is in your heart and I am entitled to my opinion as you are.

I am beginning to think that might be the problem.  People's hearts have become hard, intolerant, mean, opinionated, high and mighty, better than everyone else and they feel the need to talk about it, tweet about it, instagram about it; whatever forum they choose.  That's another problem, there are way too many forums where people can spew the hate and intolerance.  Whatever happened to the phrase, "If you cannot think of anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"?  Yes, of course you are entitled to your opinion, but wisdom should tell you that not every opinion should be shared.  One of the beautiful things about life in the USA is that we are ALL entitled to have an opinion; man, woman, black, white, gay, straight, Muslim, immigrant.  Oh yes, and at one point ALL Americans were immigrants so we're not going to have THAT discussion here.

In a couple of weeks we will celebrate the 240th birthday of the United States of America; the greatest nation on Earth.  I remember when we celebrated our nation's bicentennial.  It was a different world then.  Better now?  Better then?  I am not sure, there are arguments for both sides of that coin.  I worry now on the 4th of July; where in America will the next terrorist attack be. Will it be a parade?  a fireworks display?  I know for sure, I didn't worry about that in 1976 and neither did my parents.

Maybe if everyone was kinder to one another...

Maybe if you said hello to someone on the street...

Maybe if you held a door...

Maybe if you smiled at a child...

Maybe if you told a stranger to have a nice day...

Maybe if you paid for coffee for the guy behind you in line at Starbucks or Dunkin...

Maybe if you let that red Chevy in when merging on the expressway...

Maybe if you kept your mouth shut when you didn't have something nice to say...

Maybe if you weren't so quick to jump down someone's throat when they said something you didn't agree with...

Maybe if you made it clear to your local,  state and federal politicians that you are NOT happy with the status quo...

Maybe if you changed your profile photo to show support...and then did something concrete to reinforce the support...

Maybe if you saw each person as just a person...without a label describing the color of their skin, their ethnicity, their religion, their sexual preference, their gender...

Maybe if we all tried some of these things and I could come up with 100 more easily.

Many people have said that Love always wins.  How about we try getting behind Love...it could use the support right about now.

After 9/11, I was surprised at how kind people were to each other; how that tragedy unified.  Now everything divides.

 I live in Chicago where gangs are at war and dozens of people are shot senselessly every week.  It is as is life has no value.  EVERY LIFE HAS VALUE.

Maybe this will be the tragedy that unifies.  Unfortunately, I have become jaded over the years so I will be honest and say that I doubt it will happen.  That makes me sad...and angry and I have come full circle from the opening of this post.  I have had enough.

I will do my part to be kinder, gentler; quieter if I don't have anything nice to say.  Who is with me?

Scans Redux

So, back in April I had a CT scan.  Unfortunately, I was supposed to have scanS.  I will go Wednesday to get the rest of the scans.

I get drink the yummy liquid that sends my stomach into odd convulsions.  I get to sit on pins and needles until my oncologist calls giving me the all clear.

Yes, it's all for he best.

I spent a week in Disney, walking miles, enjoying the sites.  Summer has come to Chicago.  My planting for he season is just about done.  I have put away my sweaters and replaced them with shorts, sandals, and dresses.  And yet I sit in the same place I did almost 2 months ago...all because of a clerical error.

I wish I could be scanned for cancer as easily as I got scanned to make sure I wasn't bringing weapons onto the plane to Disney.  I wish I didn't worry even though I know I am well.  I wish people I work with would understand how sick the contrast solution makes me.  I wish they would understand that the new order management system is never going to be my first priority.  It can't be.  My first priority will always be my health.

1 year

1 year
12 months
52 weeks
365 days

I got my scan results on Friday.  Well most of them anyway.  It seems that there was some miscommunication between my oncologist's office and the radiology dept at my hospital.  I did not have a complete set of scans taken last week.

The ones I got were clean.  We're about 99% sure that the ones I still need to have will be clean but I still have to go for them.  Fun times.  I am waiting on word from my oncologist's office that my insurance company will approve this process (AGAIN).

I feel good.
I look good (so I am told).

I look back often at a year ago.  I was cancer free and dreading my chemo appointments because I felt great in between and I FELT LIKE HELL for several days after treatment.  I spent time wondering why we had to keep pumping poison into my body.  Yes, that's right, I was questioning the grand plan. 

You do that when you're bald and you're not supposed to be.  When you have sores on your mouth and it burns to eat and drink certain foods.  When you live for several days in this ridiculous haze that you cannot break on your own.  The toxic drugs need to clear your system.  Some days I still have some haze, and my fingers tingle and I forget 27451 different things and I get frustrated.

But I won. 

I have enjoyed every day or at least one thing every day since kicking cancer to the curb.

And I will continue to

FOREVER